I still have bad days – of course I do. I never thought I’d be in a position that I’d never have them again, to never feel angry at wife for cheating, for blaming me for her affair, for betraying my trust etc. And I still have days like that despite that I have forgiven her for what she did.
I still get angry at times about how her and her mother closed ranks against me, for making me feel I was being unreasonable for not wanting her to talk to “Him” while we were getting couple’s therapy. I still get angry at times that they made excuses for “Him” because he’d had a tough life. I resent that it was implied that I should feel sorry for the person partly responsible for the destruction of my marriage. I still get angry that the toxic co-dependency between my wife and her mother was always such a barrier in our relationship. I get angry that her mother still refuses to see it.
These are passing feelings that last no more than a day or two and normal service is then resumed.
What really gets me down is the endless cycle. I am stuck in a job I no longer want to do. I cannot afford to move out and live in this area as it is too expensive and I am not earning enough. I cannot just quit my job and go travelling as I have too much debt. It is for that reason too that I cannot simply walk out of the job and move in with family until I get something else.
I feel trapped and that is what gets me down. I cannot move on with my life. I am stuck in the house because there is no point making friends or joining social groups in an area I am desperate to leave. I keep wondering just how much longer this is going to be, how many more jobs am I going to be the second or third choice? I can largely keep myself busy through projects at home: blogging, reading books, going out for the day on my own, occasionally travelling to see friends, looking for interests to pursue when I do move out (I’ve identified plenty of things – will discuss in another post). But each time I come back to a place that is increasingly feeling like a prison cell – the claustrophobia of a clingy mother-in-law and the desperate urge to be away from wife so we can both move on with life and finally file for divorce.