Posted in Dating / Relationships

The friendzone

This is a general question to men and women, gay or straight, about what keeps somebody in your “friendzone”? If you like a person for certain qualities enough to want to spend time with them, what barriers are there to being more than friends?

I was talking to Miss X the other night about two male friends she has recently been spending time with. She feels no attraction toward either of them. For one of them, that feeling is certainly mutual. In the other case, she thinks that he has a mild crush on her. Mild, and nothing that won’t present a problem to their friendship. She has given me specific reasons for why she is not attracted to either man and though she admits that they both have attractive qualities, they aren’t enough for her to desire more than friendship, or there is something about them that does not appeal (one of them is too much like her ex and the other has no ambition).

When she tells me what qualities she does like in a man, I have to cautiously admit that I do fit her type. I realise that this does not exempt me from the friendzone and I’m not getting my hopes up that she feels that way about me. But that is for the future, not to think about now.

For me, the friendzone is not always clear cut. It is most definitely about personality rather than physical appearance. I couldn’t be with somebody with no interests, no sense of adventure or desire to see the world. Though they might have qualities that means I enjoy their company, or I might find them physically attractive, I could only see them as friends. Yet I also have had friends with whom I had a lot in common but simply did not fancy them, even when they were physically appealing to me. Perhaps there comes a point for me where I see them more like a sister than a friend.

What about you? What keeps people in the friendzone for you? Could you stay friends with somebody who knocked you back? Could you stay friends with somebody that you knocked back, would you always wonder whether they still harboured those feelings for you?



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

11 thoughts on “The friendzone

  1. I always love this debate. I’ve never had a lasting friendship with a member of the opposite sex. I thoroughly subscribe to the view of Billy Crystal’s character in ‘When Harry Met Sally’:

    Harry: No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail ’em too.
    Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?
    Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.


    1. lol, cynical but probably true.

      I have had many female friends over the years though those I consider my closest I rarely see these days. I admit to being attracted to some of them yet others I didn’t fancy one iota. I was friends with for many years without even the slightest hint of attraction on my part (I can’t speak for them obviously because if they did feel that way about me, they never confessed it)

  2. Women are very mentally stimulated, usually a relationship starts with attraction. However, this tends to change as we get to know a person. Friendships are necessary for a lasting relationship, so I think its a good part of development. However, what keeps a guy in the friendzone normally is “Fear”, after the intial connection toward a dating relationship, should things not work out, it has a higher probabllity of the friendship being severed. The fear that you’ll be losing something good, paralyzes the movement into what possibly could be great. Also ponder on this, the drive to procreate is innately attractive, so though a “Bad Boy” is not a safe bet, he is showing a confidence and conviction of ambition that is require in success. Women want a man that is desired. If that element isn’t there, then men are likely to end up in the frienzone and might not get out.

    1. Thanks for that.

      I’m fully aware that my complete lack of self-confidence is not going to be attractive to anybody and that is probably why I have ended up in the friendzone far too often.

      But I am aware of my demons now and doing something about it.

      1. They are not demons, and don’t dwell on them, I was there too. Seriously, I was not imposing a conjecture toward you, since you clearly have the confidence to go public with your sense of insecurity. I was just answering, your question, my abrasive opinion on opposite sex friendships.

        1. Oh no, I wasn’t taking it personally I promise!

          I was just thinking out loud about my current state of affairs and reflecting on your comments πŸ™‚

    1. No problem. Re-blog whenever you see fit. I could always do with an array of viewpoints because it is a complicated issue.

  3. Reblogged this on Smooth ReEntry and commented:
    Chin Up, Chest High usually brings a more balanced prospective to things than Smooth. Because he is an independent thinker, I thought I would reblog his thoughts on the friendzone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s