I knew it was coming. I couldn’t keep up a relentless drive of energy for too long. Feeling like a caged animal at the weekend and completely at a loss with what to do with myself. I teetered on the edge Sunday night, knowing full well that I was about to experience “the crash”.
“The crash” is what I call a sudden collapse in my mental state. Usually going from a state of contentment or a high down into the deepest pit of despair. All the negative feelings came flooding back. The usual suspects of despair at a job I hate, an area I don’t want to live in, stuck in a rut with not being able to get into my chosen field with all my qualifications and experience, the crappy weather, pushing 40 with nothing to show for life, a broken marriage that I am unable to divorce from until I’ve moved out, unable to move out because I can’t afford it and I live in an expensive area.
The fall was so spectacular that you couldn’t have two days with such different moods than yesterday and the day before. I hate these mood swings, I don’t know what to do when I get like this and there was no reason for “the crash” to happen. I don’t know how it is is going to last this time but normally it is no more than a few days.
I guess the running was symptomatic of that frustration and the energy I had probably all the pent up frustration building up. It was a false euphoria, probably a warning of some impending attack of depressive thoughts.
But this time I know what I have to do. I have to put the tasks from the book into action. Time to test the theory and I will come back to report on the results.
And finally… last night I had a talk with Miss X that contained a revelation of sorts. More on that later.