Miss X and I barely talked all last week and she cited “feeling in a funny mood” for her lack of communication. A few nights ago she told me why.
She is besotted with somebody she met on a dating site.
Though he lives several states away, they have been talking a lot on the phone and a lot of telephone and email flirting has taken place. She couldn’t wait to tell me about how strongly she feels right now and that they have arranged a meet up next month. He will be going to stay with her for a few days.
She doesn’t know if she is genuinely attracted to him and won’t know until they meet. She is enjoying the flirting, the attention, the games. She has reservations. She suspects he is a a bit of a player after a quick fling – something she has pointed out he won’t get. She suspects he is playing games and wants a bit of fun. I don’t know whether this is a genuine feeling or whether it is her own low self-esteem at play in thinking “how and why is he interested in me?!”
He is good looking, smooth talking and confident. I had to grit my teeth as she showed me a youtube interview. My first thought was “I can’t compete with that.” And so of course all of my negative self-perceptions went into overdrive and I was reminded of all the things that he is and I am not: good looking, successful with women and confident.
“I can’t compete with that” – the thought sticks and it is difficult to shake.
I went into all or nothing mode, assuming that he was “the one” as far as she was concerned and that I’d never get to tell her how I felt. Completely irrational I know considering they haven’t yet met. I still don’t think this is the right time to tell her how I feel with my emotions all over the place and still stuck in nowhere land. I’m also determined that I tell her face-to-face. So, even if she did think he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be I’ll be back to the start.
I can perfectly accept the possibility that we will never be more than friends. I love her dearly in a totally platonic way too. And I was always thinking that if anything was ever going to happen between us it was a long way off but none of that stopped the heartache I felt at the feeling of an opportunity lost.
On top of that all of the negative feelings about my lack of relationship experience came back and how I’m destined to be on my own, left on the shelf, doomed to lifelong singledom. I am too different, too ugly, too unsuccessful, not confident enough, not experienced enough… Not enough. On top of the mental collapse of a few days ago, this is the worst I have felt since last summer.
I’ve scheduled my first appointment with my therapist for three months. Sexual and relationship problems are more her issue than self-esteem so I’m hoping to have a good session.