Posted in Dating / Relationships, Self Esteem

The aftermath

So, three days have passed since I confessed my feelings to Miss X. She blew me out as I stated, but something has been bugging me since that night. I hope you will indulge and hopefully some of you can give me some advice (particularly women).

My therapist is not one to put thoughts into my head, words into my mouth or convince me of anything that wasn’t blatantly obvious. She has always wanted me to see things the way they are but to come to my own conclusions about them. When I saw her a few days ago she was so utterly convinced that the actions of Miss X have been “clear flirting” and “deliberate attempts to impress” and was also “giving me the come on” while I was out there.

During that conversation when Miss X told me I was one of her closest friends she said that I was in a wrong place mentally to be considering a relationship with anybody. She also said that I shouldn’t just be going for the first girl on my list. At no point did she say to me “I only see you as a friend” (which is the knockback I’ve heard a many times before). She said “friends works for me” which I think is an odd way to word it.

She is confused for her feelings for this other guy and it is possible she is confused about me (I said before that when she tells me what she likes in a man, I have to cautiously admit that I tick all boxes – though my therapist pointed out that there is nothing to be cautious about as I competently tick the boxes). So, she flirts with me, I’m her type and she is seemingly being obscure in blowing me out.

She is not one to play games or lead me on and she is normally so straightforward. So, does it seem as though she is saying “no, never” or do her actions and her obscure approach to the conversation suggest “not now, try me later”? I want to believe the latter admittedly but there is no proof for the former.

Either way I am not going to push the issue with her as I don’t want to risk either our strong friendship or any chance at a future romance.

I’m just trying to make sense of this.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

8 thoughts on “The aftermath

  1. Not to presume to know either of you, but for now you need to come to terms with friends. She flirts because you have given her the safety of doing so comfortably without pressure. Next time you converse observe she either continues the same flirtatious attentions or be flirty with reserve. If the first be careful she maybe your friend strictly for her own ego stroke. However, more likely the second, she maybe right you aren’t ready for a relation and she as your friend knows that.

    Be careful that your interest in her is not of getting back on the horse. She is a true friend, if that is why she turned you down. Come to grips with that and let thing progress as friends, so both of you can maintain happiness in your friendship.

    1. I had considered the possibility that her flirting was “practice before the event” for somebody else. As gutting a feeling as that is, it is just as likely as anything else. Yet there were attempts to impress me specifically, things that she has recently taken an interest in that she knows I like.

      Either way, you are of course correct, I need to put my romantic illusions to the back of my mind for now and see how things go when we next meet (probably next sping). Hopefully I will be in a better place and more able to evaluate my own feelings.

      And perhaps when she has met this other guy (preferably get him out of her head) her true feelings might become clearer.

  2. I read this on my phone on vacation and wanted to comment since I feel I’m going through something similar. In my opinion, enjoy the flirtation, chalk it up to meaningless fun for now. Besides, if you’ve found a good friend in her then that’s great! Perhaps both of you aren’t ready to jump into another relationship. My advice would be to just enjoy things the way they are right now. If in the future, the flirtation starts bugging you, confront her, tell her how you feel, tell her what she’s doing. I have a girlfriend who just has flirtatious personality, and it gets her in trouble sometimes, perhaps this Miss X is similar.

    1. She has very little confidence in herself so she isn’t like it generally. And also there were non-physical attempts to impress me (the sort of books she has been reading recently etc).

      Yes, she is confused and she has admitted to not being ready for a long term relationship. I know I’m not either, but I felt the urgency of the situation with this other guy.

      But… this week she has been keen to stress why this guy she talks to a lot isn’t a good option for her as far as relationships go. Make of that what you will.

      This friendship is long distance so I can’t and won’t talk to her about it again until we meet (next year). Until then, I just have to put it out of my mind.

      Thanks for the advice!

  3. The minute you start dating someone else she’ll come running (and the question then will be, will you want her?). Just food for thought. Concentrate on building your self esteem and having fun for yourself, rather than obsessing over her. A man with self-confidence is infinitely more attractive than one who dwells in his own self-pity.

    1. The minute you start dating someone else she’ll come running (and the question then will be, will you want her?).

      Seeing as I held a candle for her even while I was married, I would say “most probably”. Yet I will not know until somebody else comes into my life. I’ll cross that bridge when/if it comes to it.

      Self-confidence is the major stumbling block for me. I’ve never had any and as far as any potential future relationship goes, I’ve no idea where that confidence to go for it will come from. The other self-critical thoughts I can fight against but the “I feel like the most undateable man alive” thing is proving a hard nut to crack.

      Half the time my low mood has been down to feeling trapped. Now I’ve been able to take one small step out of that, I’m sure it will be generally uphill from here.

      Things have been great between Miss X and I since that night, normal in fact – and this is the best I could have hoped for in the circumstances. I’m trying not to dwell on it and I’m not pushing the issue with her. I’ve made my feelings clear and if she wants to talk she needs to make the next move. I know I have to wait. If anything will happen between us, it will be at the right time. I’m not counting on anything happening at all so I am completely open to somebody else coming into my life.

      Thanks, as ever 🙂

  4. I subscribe to the When Harry Met Sally movie when Harry says, “Men and women cannot be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way. No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.”

    To which Sally says, “So men and women *can* be friends if the man does not find the woman attractive.”

    Harry says, “No. You pretty much want to nail them too.”

    If I am going to be friends with a man (and come to think of it, the only current male friends I have are gay) I am very clear with my intentions: ‘Just friends, right?’. If the guy feels something more than that, or thinks he’ll change my mind, then he will be sadly disappointed to learn my feelings will not change. With the few male friends I have had in my life, not once did my feelings ever change.

    I prefer to lead with clarity. Now having said this sounds like a classic case of: I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you. Meaning Miss X doesn’t know if she wants you but she sure as hell doesn’t want to lose you to someone else. She doesn’t want to see you happily ensconced in a relationship.

    1. I think, of all the female friends I have had I could roughly break down into three groups:
      * I am attracted to you (feelings)
      * I am not attracted to you but would sleep with you given the opportunity (no feelings but you are attractive)
      * You are like a sister to me (not attracted)

      Doesn’t necessarily always pan out that group 1 is the most attractive to me either. I went on a couple of dates later with a woman I call Bookworm. Though we have only seen each other once this year, less than in 2014 and 2013, she is a friend. She is nothing special to look at, yet she is definitely in group 2 for me because to me, there is something attractive about her.

      You are on the money with Miss X. At the time before she was with Mister Unsuitable, she was certainly worried I would meet somebody soon and our friendship would dissolve. I told her that any partner who could not accept that I had female friends would not be somebody I would want to be in a relationship with. So yes, while she didn’t want me she didn’t like the idea of having my attention taken by somebody else – for whatever reason at the time.

      But history has shown again it was her who let the friendship slip because of a relationship.

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