A lack of confidence has stopped me doing many things in life. I overanalyse too much, I’m always worrying about the consequences of failure, of rejection and in some cases, excelling and looking arrogant in the process because of my critical modesty. The one thing I am not is arrogant… I hope that comes across on here.
I am a very driven person and sometimes stubborn. I realise that this might come across as an idiosyncracy for somebody with low self-esteem, but it isn’t. It is actually a very unpleasant state to feel as you continue to punish yourself for not performing your best 100% of the time. You keep going because stopping makes you (me) a failure. My friend Miss X is like it too. It is this abundance of drive while lacking confidence that pushes people like me to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.
Drive and determination should no longer be my only motivating factor. I need confidence and that comes from recognising my successes, to learn lessons from failures and to not sit and brood on things for hours on end afterward. Most importantly, it means going for it sometimes without overthinking the problem. I don’t know if I could “fake it until I make it” but relaxing in the presence of others and having the balls to approach people in the first place will be a very big step.
I’ve come to realise that I’m not unsociable, I do get on with people. I found it easy talking to people at university and I made some true friends. I’m also starting to realise just how – unconsciously – my wife wanted to limit my / our contact with other people as I think back to certain incidents of the past. She does not mix well and needs to be in a small group of people she knows she will get on with before she can relax.
Dating site update
I’ve been messaging people on the two dating sites I joined the other day and the other night I had a conversation with somebody whose circumstances echo mine. It was on OKCupid and we were given a 94% match and 79% friendship score. We talked for over an hour before she signed off and went to bed. Will we talk again? I hope so but like any of these sites, nothing is guaranteed. When she cited “I’ll be back in a moment, phone call” she did return ten minutes later. We had a laugh and a meaningful chat and did not run out of things to talk about. We have so much in common. I feel better for having taken that plunge even if we never talk again (which is doubtful) and never meet.
More on that later…