Posted in Dating / Relationships, Self Esteem

I’m trying to get over this… but it is hard

So it seems that Miss X chat buddy with all the deal breakers that would make him an awful boyfriend suddenly wants to have a relationship with her. He is planning to move across the country and find a job there. He intends to move in with her.

After talking on the phone for four months and just five days of having met in person. It still may come to nothing. She acknowledges that he exhibits so many of her dealbreakers and it may not happen if he cannot get a job. It may not even last if she realises that she really cannot live with them (you may have already guessed that impulsiveness is his worst dealbreaker for her).

She doesn’t seem to know what she wants. She doesn’t seem to know whether they will work or whether she wants it to work. She seems confused about a lot of things.

I am utterly distraught. I have tried to get over this crush, really I have. I’ve got out on my own more, I’ve joined dating sites and talked to people and met up with one already (Little Red). I’ve seen more of my real life friends and family since moving out. I’ve done everything possible to move on from the strongest and longest crush I have ever had aside from having lots of meaningless sex (and that’s only because I don’t get offered any!)

We had a good talk about it in which we reiterated our concern and affection for each other. She knows I am here for her and I know she is there for me. We talk less than we used to (used to be every day, now it is twice per week) but when we do the conversation is as usual a mix of serious and funny.

I just can’t shake this decade-long crush and it has brought my mood right down again.

Yes I know she lives thousands of miles away.

Yes I know we’ve known each other 11 years and have only met once for a week-long stint.

The above changes nothing.

Furthermore, I asked her the other night to send me a message, give me a sign to tell me that we will never be more than friends. I needed her to tell me this to help me get over it; this would have made it so much easier for me to move on, to pursue other potential relationships (bearing in mind previous mixed messages and proverbial doors left open).

She refused to answer so now I am confused. It would have been nice to have that closure.

So I guess I’m just going to have to step back for a few days, not contact her and see how things go between her and him and between me and her.

As the “friendzoned” advice always says “make her miss you.” I don’t like to play games but maybe I ought to start in order to get to the truth of the matter.

This is all too weird for me now.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

4 thoughts on “I’m trying to get over this… but it is hard

  1. She is messing with your feelings. She enjoys your attention and affection and is effectively using you for an ego boost by refusing to give you closure. She also sounds somewhat crazy (sorry) – she wants to shack up with some fella ahe’s known for 5 minutes while disregarding someone with genuine feelings for her? Nuts. Cuckoo. Get angry. Move on x

    1. No need to apologise, you didn’t say anything I hadn’t already thought. I think she’s barmy and just grabbing at the first available guy because she’s afraid of being left on the shelf at 30.

      Maybe I should start playing games, pretending not to care and playing up the situation with ‘Little Red’ to imply that there is more of a spark. Might shake her up and maybe I could get to the truth of the matter.

      And I know from previous experience that I can rely on you to tell it like it is, so thanks

    1. Me too, it’s just a shame it didn’t happen in a way that I got to tell her what I really think. Three years, what a difference.

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