I have been giving a lot of thought to how much of a vicious cycle a lack of confidence is when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. I am incredibly self-conscious when it comes to being around women to whom I feel attracted, even if we are already friends. My lack of confidence I know has been a serious problem in my ability to attract women or take friendships forward into romantic relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never had much of a problem with mixing with people – men or women – and I can make friends without too much difficulty so I do not have the social anxieties of others with low self-esteem. It is not a case of getting out more; I never had that attention when I was far more outgoing and had a larger group of friends.
The problem is taking things that little further and about how I feel inside. Women have never wanted to be more than friends with me and that has give me serious anxieties about whether I am ever going to be in a relationship with anybody else. Am I going to spend my life in the “friendzone”? I have had only one relationship and that ended with my wife telling me that she had never been in love with me. Before her I had never been out on a date. Nobody has ever asked me out on a date and nobody I plucked up the courage to ask out was ever interested in me.
I’m no narcissist, I don’t want women falling at my feet – the prospect would actually horrify me. I just want to be able to look back and think “yes, that girl was crazy about me”. One, just one would be enough to give me something to build on right now.
This is why I see it as a vicious cycle. Without confidence I’m not going to be able to attract potential dates and without dates I’m not going to build my confidence.
* My ex-wife tells me I am kind, considerate, affectionate, loyal, intelligent and great company
* Miss X tells me I am smart, funny, ambitious and level headed
* Little Red told me on our first and so far only meeting that I am good company, funny and approachable
These things you’d think would be enough to boost my confidence but they are not. I still feel undatable and unable to take relationships with women beyond friendship. My ex-wife was never in love with me, Miss X cannot make up her mind what she wants and with Little Red… well, who knows at this stage?
And right now I don’t know how to break this circle. The self-help book has been a tremendous help for everything except this. I know I have to see myself as a good catch before anybody else will. Saying it is easy, believing it is the hard part.