I could feel it coming. I have had a very bad month what with the loneliness, the feelings of despair at a vicious cycle that wouldn’t break, the fact that I haven’t heard anything from Miss X and have no idea if we’re even friends any more, the terrible sense of loss that goes with that and everything else I feel I have lost over the last year has not helped.
This weekend was horrendous. On top of this the person that helped my ex-wife destroy our marriage has now visited that house and I felt weird going in there after he’d gone. I kept expecting to see stuff he might have left behind, or reminders that he was there. I was actually anxious being in the house and made my excuses and left quickly after we spent the day together. Even while I was out, I could feel my mood was about to crash. I spent Saturday evening mostly in tears and though I went out Sunday on my own for a walk, to do some food shopping and go for a little drive, I was in a serious depressive state and spend most of Sunday in tears again at the slightest little thing.
It didn’t help that the ex-wife told me that she would be distraught if we ever broke contact. I didn’t really need that while I’m still worrying about what is going on with Miss X (my gut reaction is that things with Mister Unsuitable didn’t pan out and she has also sunk into a depressive state but I won’t know until I hear from her). I am unable to concentrate on many things. I’m not motivated at work and all I want is to get out of the area. Running seems to be the only thing that gives me focus right now but I fear that might suffer as the days get colder, darker and wetter.
So I went to the Doctor this morning, he gave me the short questionnaire and concluded that I needed to go back on the anti-depressants. I’m on an initial 28 day prescription and I have to return in three weeks to evaluate the situation. So here I am, at my lowest point in over a year and needing pills to pick me up. I struggle to find the motivation to blog here too so don’t expect much action over the coming weeks.
I know it is nothing to be ashamed of, I just hoped I was through the worst of it by now.