Posted in Dating / Relationships

I guess I can no longer think of myself as “The Great Undateable”

No I can’t because the evidence simply no longer fits that mindset that I am so unattractive inside and outside that no woman in her right mind would want to go out on a date with me.

There is Little Red with whom there was a clear intellectual match and a click in sense of humour. We’ve had two dates and the promise of a dinner date sometime soon. She has cancelled but I know the reasons and understand, completely accepting that she is not being flaky or messing me around (though when my mood is low, those feelings do creep back – see previous).

There was water baby. Though unfortunately I had no further contact from her we did get on online and in person… perhaps not enough chemistry for her to warrant a second date. Still, it would have been nice to have been told as much.

This week…

I have two confirmed dates with women I have not discussed before.

This morning I had a hastily arranged coffee date (unexpected to be asked) by a girl I’ve been chatting to this past week. Not much chemistry though we had a laugh. I didn’t fancy her and she gave no indication that she fancied me. She is a singer so I’ll refer to her as Songstress but don’t expect to see that name again.

The other has been organised for during the week next week. This girl is pretty in a “the girl next door” sort of way and we have enough in common to ensure plenty of conversation. I’m going to call her Miss Outdoors because she likes long walks and running cross country. I have a much better feeling about this one.

I’ve heard all sorts of horror stories from men on dating sites who claim to have been on for years and only ever had a single date with one or two women and never got a second date, all messages ignored or replied with a “thanks but no thanks”. And I think I’m perhaps a little more choosy than a lot of men: a high level of education is strongly preferred. A passion in life is desirable. Ambition (the object of ambition matters not, the ambition to pursue a goal is what is important) and a commitment to constant personal development is non-negotiable. Do you seek constant reward in life? Do you have a job that you feel is really making a difference to somebody’s life? Ok, let’s talk over coffee and take it from there because you are the sort of person I know will interest me.

The above attributes are important because more than anything else I seek an intellectual match. In the three months since signing up to OKCupid and POF, I have visited – by now – probably in the region of 1500 profiles (no doubt some of those multiple times). I have sent in the region of 80 messages between the two sites, had dates with three women with another scheduled for this week. That’s roughly 1/20 success rate (5%). Not bad for somebody lamenting his undateability a couple of months ago and good considering the sheer volume of men saying that they are giving up because when they get responses all they get is “no thanks, you’re not what I’m looking for.”

For obvious reasons, I do not consider myself an expert on women and probably never will be but to me it is common sense to know the sort of person you want and ignore the rest. There is a degree of keeping an open mind but if somebody clearly is not for you then don’t bother. It is courtesy that when you find something you’re potentially looking for, to read their profile and make reference to shared interests in any message you send them. It doesn’t always work but you’re surely going to get on better than saying “hey beautiful. you have lovely hair and pretty eyes and you only live five miles from me. here have a virtual rose. When can you meet up?”




I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

8 thoughts on “I guess I can no longer think of myself as “The Great Undateable”

    1. Thank you! Feeling a little nervous about meeting Miss Outdoors tonight as it has all seemed quite promising so far!

        1. Oh I know but the only reason I’m nervous is because it is promising. I wasn’t nervous about Sunday’s date with Songstress because I had no expectations and a gut feeling that there would be zero chemistry.

          Unfortunately, Miss Outdoors has cancelled due to illness 😦 but promises profusely that she does want to meet, and soon.

          I don’t know why your comment was put into the spam folder there when you’ve commented quite a few times already.

    1. I haven’t actually had a response from her yet. I’m quite surprised keeping in mind how well we got on. But if it doesn’t happen, oh well… try again elsewhere. Thanks for your good wishes!

        1. It’s hard, isn’t it breaking that negative cycle? Breaking a positive cycle is simple. Look how quickly one’s mood sinks but in reverse it is a rare occurence.

          Really sorry, but I don’t know why half of your messages are randomly put in the spam box. Why this one and not the last one?!

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