Posted in On confidence

Is this confidence?

So of course I have the full blessing of my ex wife to go on as many dates as I wish as often as I like with whomever I wish. She is also more than happy to hear about them and even hopes to see me and Little Red end up together.

I find it amusing and sweet that we can be this open with each other about me dating, such has our friendship grown as our marriage dissolves. She asked me the other night (following my date with Miss Outdoors) whether I’m feeling more confident around women.

I have to answer in two parts here.

Partly, no I am not. The self-doubts are still there and I am concerned about getting too close as I still expect to be passed over for a better option: better looking, richer, more successful, taller, more charming, more confident etc

Secondly, though I have now been on dates with four women (with a fifth offer last night) and had a second date with one of them, I’m not sure that “confidence” really describes what I’m feeling. I’ve never had a problem making friends and I always mix well. But as these are dates, it is expected that I would feel anxiety.

But I don’t. I’m not even thinking about it. Therefore I’m not worrying, panicking or feeling anxious. I’m not sure this emotional neutrality and simply not over-analysing the situation would qualify as confidence? Certainly I’m enjoying the female  attention for the first time in my life but at the same time I entered online dating with no expectations based on an understanding that the average response rate could be as low as 1/50. With low expectations, even when you get to the “first date” stage, you can’t be disappointed.

Is my lack of worrying “confidence”? What do you think?



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

6 thoughts on “Is this confidence?

  1. I dont think it is a lack of confidence, sounds more like you are being a realtist and just not expecting too much

    1. I’ve learnt not to expect too much!

      But in all seriousness, I’m not sure that going on these dates gives me confidence. I’m just going with it and enjoying myself

  2. I tend to agree with the dates not enhancing confidence. What it can do is enhance your sense of self, but it can also erode your self-esteem LOL. The sheer quantity of dates you can have online vs public can increase your sense of self (your desirability), but the bad dates can erode your self-esteem 🙂

    1. Hmmm, I definitely feel an improvement in self-esteem (as I mentioned in this post, I have personal demons specific to dating). I have had good experiences with these dates… probably because I know precisely what I am looking for and I’m prepared to be picky because of it.

      1. You are at an advantage. Most think they know what they want and figure out as they go along.

        1. Thanks! Despite my life-long self-esteem issues I do have a very strong sense of who I am and what I am.

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