Posted in Dating / Relationships

Women, keep it 100: how to be a good on-line dater

I recently subscribed to the insightful and often amusing blog You’re Just a Dumbass!.

One particular article caught my eye about on-line dating. I found it pertinent and interesting to see whether I have / do fall into those traps described in the list. After an honest evaluation and relief that it doesn’t apply to me, I decided it was time to offer a few pointers the other way.

I know I have covered some of these issues in my “dating site observations” posts here and here but this is more of a complete summary.

1. Don’t lie about your age. Ladies, seriously, why do you do it? Is it because you want a younger man? Then say so! Plenty of men in their 20s would be happy to date a 40+ Go look for them, they’re out there but don’t message me, a 37 year old, claiming to be 39 when you are clearly about to celebrate your 50th.

2. Obscured face. You’re on a dating site. Why don’t you want people to see what you look like? If you’re embarrassed that you’ve had to resort to online dating then perhaps this isn’t the environment for you. If it is because you don’t think you’re very pretty then why not let me be the judge of that?

3. Children. It is a good idea to mention them from the start. A friend of mine recently went on a date with a woman who, after chatting for weeks, didn’t mentioned her 10 year old daughter until the end of the first date. He doesn’t presently want children but does some day. Tell him and then give him the option of whether he dates you or not. The reason he hasn’t contacted you back was because you were dishonest that and he doesn’t want to be a dad/stepdad until he is ready. Secondly, if a profile says “doesn’t have children and doesn’t want them” please respect this. This is precisely what my profile says yet I have had messages from single mothers and one currently pregnant(!) woman asking to meet me. I don’t want children. Ever. I’m sure your kids are awesome but NO MEANS NO.

4. Laziness. I can understand to a certain degree why you barely put anything in your profile. You probably get so many messages that you hardly think it is worth the bother and if you get 20-30 messages per day, maybe 1 per week might be worth responding to. But that is no need for laziness of this kind “I like going out, catching up with friends and the occasional night in”. Ummm…. yeah so you like going out sometimes and staying in sometimes?! Wow, I want to marry you!

5. Cliches: Tall, dark and handsome required to sweep me off my feet! [FILE UNDER “NO IMAGINATION” AND MOVE TO NEXT PROFILE]. More modern variations include “looking for my Mr Grey” or “Edward Cullen wanted”.

6. Faking being an intellectual. According to recent research, men do prefer women with brains and in my experience, women are seeing the potential in faking it. If you have a Master’s Degree why can’t I decipher your profile? Why don’t you know the difference between “your” and “you’re”? or “their”, “there” and “they’re”? Why do you ryt n txt spk? I h8 it! If the only book you’ve ever read is Fifty Shades of Grey then don’t call yourself “avid reader”.

7. Bitterness. It ain’t sexy, trust me. We’re sorry that “jerks” on here have wasted your time and treated you badly but that’s not my fault and it isn’t going to compel me to message you following your vitriolic assault on my gender

8. Checklist dating. When you put a list of demands that a potential date must be or must not be you narrow your field and you’ll wind up without a single date. I’m not talking about stating a handful of dealbreakers here (not interested in smokers or divorcees), I’m talking about listing 50 or so attributes that a man “must be”. One profile I visited stated the following list:
* No shorter than 5’10”
* No taller than 6’4″
* Must be of dark complexion
* No bald men
* No ginger men
* Not too skinny – I like my men with meat
* Not too overweight – I don’t want to be crushed by you either
* Must have stubble – no beards (make you look old) and no clean shaven (make you look young)
* Must be highly educated
* Must have a good job
* Must have his own place
* Must have a car
* Never married
* No children
* I don’t want a man who wants to introduce me to his parents after the third date
* I don’t want a man who still won’t introduce me to his parents after three years
* Must love cats
* Must be a rare drinker
* A man who drinks wine and not beer
* Non smoker
* Must not be an only child

And that’s only those things I can remember. I really wish I’d saved it and posted it to this blog! If I ever come across it again I will do just that. I can’t imagine that girl gets many responses personally.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

12 thoughts on “Women, keep it 100: how to be a good on-line dater

  1. Love it! Really flattered that I inspired you to produce it!!! What a real honor!! Love the title, copycat 🙂 This list is brutal, yet poignant and helpful!

    #6, though, is a tad bit harsh. Not sure that I would classify those examples as women passing off as intellectual. Maybe it should be re-classified as correct your grammar, ladies. Can’t believe they would try to pass themselves off as avid readers listing 1 best seller. That’s hilarious!

    The children part is sensitive for most people. Cut women some slack on that one.

    Great list!

    1. Unfortunately I have seen too many claiming to be highly educated that cannot string together a coherent sentence in English. I’m not snobby against people without an education, or people who do not read, I just do not understand the mentality of pretending to be something that it is obvious you are not. There is no shame in not having gone to university!

      As for children, of course there are plenty of men who would be more than happy to take on somebody else’s child. I’m just not one of them; I don’t even want children of my own so I’m sure you understand my exasperation at receiving a messages from a pregnant woman when my profile states clearly “I DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN – I DO NOT WANT THEM”. Likewise, there are probably plenty of single fathers seeking kindred spirits in single mothers – and that’s all good to me, no problem at all, I wish them the best of luck. All I am really saying is that women with children should respect that some men do not want children… either because they already have enough of them or have decided that they do not want them at all. And it isn’t about being afraid of commitment; when I married my wife I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I just have zero paternal instincts and now, in my late 30s, that is unlikely ever to change.

      Thanks for your input and thanks again for your own interesting article 🙂

  2. 3) I suppose on this I will simply state it as it is… If you are withholding this then you are not looking for a relationship! As you could possibly wish to be playing a role of I will be who you want me to be, and you will be who I want you to be. Either way it is an escape from who someone is. It is no different that not telling someone you are married. Both have consequences. A true man will embrace all of you if you are honest about what means love to you! Be proud of your kids, if you will hide the love that is a part of you which is them.. what will you do with the love I will give to you, will you hide that to? They are your kids to love and hold and at the end of any date they will give you love as you give it to them. It should never be a surprise. It will only create an identity you will not be able to keep up with! I liked both of your blogs.. It truly was the he said and she said… yet didn’t see how the negatives will help anyone connect! What would that take? I suppose with allowing these to be foundational it gives you still obstacles to communicate who you are in that moment. If you want someone to like you, be present for the conversation as yourself! And listen you never know what you will hear…. Great post my friend!

    1. Thanks for your comments. It is an interesting way of looking at it – if you’re hiding your kids then you’re not looking for a relationship.

      For me it is and will remain an issue of honesty.

      1. What you lie to yourself about you will instantly lie to others this is not trusting yourself so why will you ever trust your partner! It is the root of the honesty that changes the perception of how to trust! It will now be doomed if she choses a later time to include this! so I concur my friend! Yet it starts with who you are to yourself to state who you will be for others!

  3. Can i give the biggest No-nos for a guy profile? Leave your shirt on, do not hold your beer bottle in a certain position to suggest something and preferably cut out all the other women you are draped around. Do they know that they are featured?
    I am no longer dating online having met my current partner there two years ago but I really enjoyed the whole process. I met awesome and interesting people and appreciated the attention of anyone who cared to contact me whether I was interested or not. I tried 3 sites and all were good though very different!! I am glad that people show who they are unwittingly through their writing. That’s the whole point of online dating; a speedier way to cut the wheat from the chaff.

    1. My experiences echo yours. Seeing women photographed with other men doesn’t bother me so much as women posting photographs with them holding other people’s babies. Not entirely sure what they are saying but to me it seems “I’m desperate to get pregnant.”

      Oh and endless photos of you drinking cocktails. Expensive tastes then – I probaby couldn’t afford to date you.

    1. Could be because it pre-dates you subscribing to this blog. Anyway, check these out too. Go on admit it, you’ve seen them all haven’t you?

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