Posted in Mental Health, Self Esteem

Fire in the belly

I have it back.

But first an admission

September was bad. Really bad. Look back upon that month and read my posts if you will – read from here and go backwards. Though I did not discuss all of the events of that month at the time, the issue with Miss X was the dominant factor but it was only one small part of my problems (as I later revealed here and here).

The overwhelming sense of loss due to the places I visited on my own in that month that my ex wife and I had once shared consumed me and I came close to having a nervous breakdown. I don’t know how I did not.

I contemplated suicide.

There. I said it. I peered over a cliff where I had stood only to take a photograph. I peered over the edge and looked down. The thought that went through my head was “if I take the quick route down all of the pain is over”. It lasted barely half a second but it was a serious contemplation. Instead I turned around and walked back to my car. I spent the next few weeks in tears at most things. The slightest thing set me off, especially if it concerned somebody losing something they treasured.

I’m glad I did not jump. No matter how bad things got after that I knew I could never again feel as low as I did on that day. And things got really bad; so bad that it was my ex-wife who made the appointment for me to see the Doctor that resulted in me going back on the anti-depressants (which I am still taking).

Back to the now

Events in life, a new direction… a purpose for being has given me back the drive I knew I always had. There is a fire in my belly again after it had been extinguished: you grow weary of having your feet kicked out from under you, or being made to feel that your wishes and desires are always inconsequential as another person is determined to get their own way 100% of the time.

Sometimes, just sometimes it needs something else.

I don’t know whether it is the pills stabilising my mood, or the weight loss giving me a sliver on confidence, or going out on dates or getting out of the toxic environment I was living in until late summer, or the closure with Miss X, or simply whether the events of that month was the storm, the end point of a healing process… but I’m waking up every morning with renewed vigour.

Part of my recovery has been thanks to the support and input of my regular commenters. Thank you, consider yourselves given a collective group hug. You are all awesome.

My new avatar reads “Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.”

I have tasted flight and now I have a stiff neck 🙂

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

4 thoughts on “Fire in the belly

    1. Thanks. When I look back at how things have changed for me in two very short months, I’m glad too. It could easily have been so different but some good fortune and hard work paying off has led to a reversal of my mood.

  1. That was a big admission, and the very fact that you feel comfortable posting it here shows how far removed you are now from that state of mind. Hugs aplenty. Life is a roller coaster. If you can hold on through the tough times, the good times will follow x

    1. Thanks. I’m actually starting to believe that but back then nothing would have convinced me of that.

      All it takes is a small and sudden change in fortune.

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