Posted in Dating / Relationships

Women: It is all about YOUR ego – part 1

Inspired again by the wonderful You’re Just A Dumbass! I want to talk about egos in the dating game. Not in terms of arrogance, but in terms of building up your sense of self and strengthening yourself against inevitable rejection… and this is for women.

This post raises some interesting points in saying that when it comes to dating, women need to adopt some of the tactics of the average male. I quite agree though my reasons for saying so are slightly different.

I think that men are more strategic than women when it comes to dating. Here’s why: they have spent their dating lives figuring out what methods work and how to preserve their ego from rejection. They are better at calculating risk and measuring volatility when it comes to ego preservation. What puts them at an advantage is that they have approached many women to figure out their method.

Bingo! It really is more a case of having approached many different women and realising what works on some will not work on others, most of us will have a whole catalogue of tried and tested methods. If plan A isn’t working, try plan B, then C until you either get positive attention or you decide to give up or she gets her rugby playing brother to remove you from her presence. I’m sorry if it seems cynical to women but considering the dating game is 99% of the time about us trying to win you over, I’m afraid this is just the way things are. And yes, it is a case of “categorising” women into types. Don’t go putting the hate on me because I know you do it too!

Whose Job Is It to Approach?

The more old-fashioned amongst us might say that it is the man’s role to approach the woman in any attraction situation. While this line is blurred when female might drop some subtle hints that she wants him to approach, thereby making the approach in a passive way, sometimes we are really bad at getting hints (as I was when Little Red was fishing to be asked out to dinner and ended up doing it herself).

Yet it seems that younger, modern women who claim to want equality are still expecting men to make the first approach. Ladies there is nothing to stop you just walking up to a man and engaging him in conversation. When you do, we like it. Truth is, we expect resistance (feigned or real), we expect to be challenged, we expect your friends to try to drag you away so when you walk over to us with a smile on your face and say “Hi, I’m… it’s nice to meet you!” we can’t believe our luck. Why? Because we have become so used to a low success rate when approaching the women who attract us that when you flip that around and make it clear we are of interest to you before we’ve had a chance to even notice you are there, it knocks us off our feet for a few seconds.

The fragile female ego?

Women have fragile egos, sorry girls but that is a fact. You won’t admit to farting for starters. You’re constantly looking for reassurance that we still find you desirable. You want to know constantly if this or that outfit suits you and when we tell you that you always look gorgeous no matter what you wear, you never believe us… and you rarely expect to get rejected when offering a man sex or when asking one of us for a date. For example, if you are in the mood for sex and your boyfriend/husband – for whatever reason – is not. What do you do? Do you shrug and say to yourself “ah well, I guess he’s too exhausted… maybe tomorrow night” or do you assume that he now finds you unattractive, is angry with you and will probably leave you in the morning and shack up with your best friend?

Be honest… because in my experience men think the former and because that power of getting or not getting sex is 99% in your hands, we learn to live with that rejection and categorise it: “she’s tired” or “she’s not in the mood” or “she’s had a tough day at work”?

So, it seems that women have fragile egos and could benefit with having it reinforced. Hold these thoughts for part 2 coming up.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

7 thoughts on “Women: It is all about YOUR ego – part 1

  1. Thanks so much for the counterpart to my perspective! Truly flattered! Very insightful! No refuting that ego fragility is genderless. I’ll reserve my comments till I see part 2 🙂

    I still contend that while it is flattering for men initially to have a woman approach them it sometimes backfires in our faces. Men don’t appreciate it in the long run & assume sexual relationship first.

    1. Depends on the man. I wouldn’t and I don’t know a man who would. From one perspective it could be said that the failure to build a self-preservation to your ego means that you end up being unable to walk away from such a man – you want to see him how you choose to see him instead of how he really is. Admitting to yourself that you were wrong and walking away is part of that ego preservation… learn to walk away and try again. That’s exactly what we are expected to do 🙂

      A friend of mine is currently dating a girl who approached him on OKCupid. He did not assume she wanted to sleep with him on the first date. Truth is, he has been out with her on four dates now and only got a first peck on the cheek after date four. He was actually encouraged by this because it proves to him that she is confident enough to approach yet has the self-respect to allow a proper relationship to blossom.

      I guess this is something we will have to agree to disagree on.

      1. I think online and public are 2 different animals. Both genders regard it as a numbers game online. I do agree that in either sense it conveys confidence and that it will be types of women that will do it.

        I appreciate your insights and opinions. It really gives me food for thought. It’s a complicated process understanding the other gender 🙂

        1. I can’t comment on the public side of dating as I never felt comfortable doing it. Online dating feels much more suitable for me where you are looking through advertisements more or less to choose who you want to talk to.

          Part 2 will go up tonight by the way. I’ve been busily typing away because I wanted to remember everything I wanted to say.

  2. This is insightful, yet it is not as easy for a man as you might think! As a boy, a man is told to try and try again in many of the things that are before him. He will venture into things that he may be good at or even struggle with. His sense of being told that nothing is impossible depends of what it is that he feels he can do. Now this is a place that some call confidence! To most men it is just the ability to not have something that could be seen as not possible to find possible. This encouragement can be seen in elementary school. As what is stated to a young boy who can’t climb the rope to climb it and he can do it! He may not climb to the top in that time, but he will never stop trying. Now, If I remember correctly this was different for girls, the amount of pushing to get one to climb the rope is not nearly the same. Boys will have boys cheering them on, and girls well, it was quiet, not the same cheer. Yet it seems similar to how this post presents itself. The challenge of rallying about what a woman wants.

    For a man, In the approach it is energy based, In a setting where a man comes and get’s turned down it isn’t a thought process or a process of learning different women! We give you credit for being smarter than that! It is rare for a woman to hear NO when she approaches or talks to a man. Take Justadumbass. I asked her how often she has heard No.. She could not recite when she had.

    (Energy Based) a man in any setting can eventually seek out the energy that is familiar for the yes for what he is looking for. Now this can be different, if he is looking for a random hook up! What doesn’t work with one, will work with another. It is after all for men an elimination of who is sending off the energy that will get us what we seek.

    Evolution currently is not in the way that this has impacted, it actually hasn’t changed in quite some time. Before it will evolve it will need a change to the way that energy is brought into us in elementary schools, junior high and in some cases high school. Any woman can remember the energy that was there in a young boy who was coming into his own. Some experienced this nightmare and even went out with them to lose their virginity or random questions of when do you want to do it! This is not about that women need to adopt beyond the ego, or that a man has techniques because he continually has a catalog of information because he seeks out many different women.

    Rather, you take any man and place him in an environment where there are no woman looking for a hook up, and instead a relationship he will remove himself and try elsewhere if that is not what he is seeking. Yet with the current place of energy that has happened in the sexual revolution of women this will be something that will find it’s way to any place you are. The result will often be that the man you will approach in any place will talk to you. He may not say what you expect, but if you make it a challenge that may be the turn off he will respond to that will cause the rejection you speak of.

    A man will state what is coming from his brain, he will not think of the feeling behind it, for most men think before they feel. They are trained to from 3 years old or more! Any man would encourage this approach and it isn’t about admitting to man vs woman it is more about the ability that a man will endure not being a woman!

    Great post my friend.. sorry for the long rant!

    1. No problem, you do raise some interesting points.

      Now, If I remember correctly this was different for girls, the amount of pushing to get one to climb the rope is not nearly the same. Boys will have boys cheering them on, and girls well, it was quiet, not the same cheer

      I think that to an extent, women are not encouraged to “go for it” and any woman who does is seen automatically as aggressive, even if she isn’t. I had a date recently with a woman just like this. She was intense for sure but somebody who might feel a little intimidated may have found her too aggressive. I admired her confidence and determination and the longer we spent together I really enjoyed her company and started to see a warm, humorous side emerge.

      From what I could gather this girl has more male friends than female friends and in a way I can understand why. Perhaps men admire her for having balls (proverbially if not literally!) but women tend to find her intimidating. I don’t know, I feel I’m straying a little off subject here but I do think it is sad that from an early age young girls are not encourage to identify what they want and go for it… and maybe that is also part of the reason for why dating is so skewed toward men being expected to make the first approach.

      1. A woman who grows up with a dominant father who will talk to her in that way she will mimic this it is not surprising. It is though the way that you are talked to growing up male/female! It truly has it’s place as to why the confusion sets in!

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