Posted in Dating / Relationships

Women: It is all about YOUR ego – part 2

I guess I’m on fire tonight with two blog posts in one evening. I had to get this one out before I forgot most of what I wanted to say.

Ok, so following on from my previous post I wish to expand on why I feel so many women complain that they do not get the relationships that they deserve or desire, that they get attention from too many “weirdos”, “time wasters” and “jerks”.

In the previous post I defined why I feel that women have fragile egos, an accusation levelled at men all of the time. I’m not trying to upset anybody here but I do feel that the female ego is far more delicate and fragile… especially when it comes to relationships, mostly because they have not been given or taken the opportunity to allow it to build. Ego (when it isn’t overinflated) is a valuable contribution to our character.

I have been dating online for about four months now. I have messaged in the region of 100 women. I have had responses from approximately eight of them and I have had dates with five women. Two of those have been multiple dates. Three of those women I would dearly love to see again – I feel they are amazing people that I would value as friends if no romance was forthcoming. One of the remaining two was pleasant but there was no attraction and I see little hope for a friendship. The other I would have liked to see again but she did not respond to my request for a lunch date. Overall then, you could say I have a 5% success rate online dating with the possibility of a relationship with at least one of those women (Little Red), a clear friendship with another (Miss Outdoors) with still some sussing out with the third (l’Canadien). Let me make it clear that the moment a relationship is on the cards with one, I will stop dating the other as I’m no cheat.

5% rate of message–>date might seem woeful but having lurked around the messageboards of OKCupid and POF, it seems pretty average. I have worked out on average that I have messaged between the two sites approximately one woman every day. Some men claim to be sending out 2-3 messages per day and get the same average message–>date rate.

For women I understand it is different. Mostly your mailboxes are so swamped with messages that you do not or cannot reply to them all – fair enough if this is true and consequently you cannot see a need to make the approaches to men on those sites because with that sort of volume you are no doubt going to find the occasional message that makes you stop, read the message, check the profile and actually respond. I long ago stopped expecting to get responses so any answer is a bonus… even though I go out of my way to make sure I have read the profile and pointed out mutual interests.

On the forums mentioned above, some of the female contributors were incensed to discover that the average man sends approximately 2-3 messages to different women every single day. I don’t know why they are expecting – for want of a better word – “commitment” from a stranger on a dating site who likes the look of their profile and has plucked up the courage to message them. It was almost as though they expected already to be the focal point of the man who messaged them.

What I am trying to say is that because women are not expected to take the initiative when it comes to making a first approach, and therefore rarely do so, it is understandable that they cannot understand this “hedging the bets” behaviour. It really does become about the numbers game for us. Hit on enough women and maybe one of them might react positively. For women it seems to be the other way around. Expect to get hit on, fend off as many as you can until one of them intrigues you enough not to call your rugby-playing brother to chase him away.

If this explains the reason that so many women online and in real life complain that they only ever attract “weirdos”, “time wasters” and “jerks” then perhaps it is time for you to take some of the initiative. The mountain did not go to Mohammed. Your dream job is not going to drop into your lap without any effort on your part so why would you expect your dream man to do so? We could argue that Hollywood has encouraged you in part to think this way but that is a whole other blog post.

Go after the men you like but be prepared for rejection – we live with that every day now it is time for you to take that opportunity. If he is not interested then walk away. Move on to the next one. If you were prepared to do this then your ego will be reinforced and preserved. You will also get better at identifying the wrong men, you will not fall prey so often to the players and bad boys. If you made the effort then we men will not be terrified of approaching you because we are already convinced that you are out of our league (we think this more often than we are prepared to admit, even if we do have the courage to approach you anyway). We do appreciate it. We do like women with a strong sense of herself and who knows what she wants from life.

If we had a level playing field in which we all made it clear what we were looking for and were prepared to go after it instead of expecting it to fall into our laps or giving up because we think we’re punching above our weight, then perhaps we will all – men and women – get the relationships we desire and deserve.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

5 thoughts on “Women: It is all about YOUR ego – part 2

  1. My friend… are you stating that men have a class and that because of how one man will respond all others who have a response similar are wrong for you to? It is easy to talk to anyone, it is someone who can give himself what he needs and wants will be someone you should give your attention to. Isn’t this the same for a woman? I mean if you are happy by yourself, then wouldn’t you be happy with anyone to share it with and not make them responsible for your happiness? A level playing field would be this would it not? The biggest hurdle to always over come is how we communicate with each other. It is the constant misunderstanding of what one says to be interpreted by the other to end up being in awkward way never making a connection! Maybe the question would be what type of man would you all approach in any scenario and line em up and you all get to chose!

    1. I agree that what you define is a level playing field but really what I am talking about is the idea that it should always be the man who makes the approach and that shouldn’t be the case.

      Maybe the question would be what type of man would you all approach in any scenario and line em up and you all get to chose!

      I guess online dating is a bit like that 😉

  2. Hmmmm. This may be true for most women, but online I always follow my heart, express my interest and say what I feel. As you read my blog you’ll know this sometimes has disastrous consequences for me but I just get on with it.

    I actually find doing the rejection the harder part – hence I sabotage instead, as you will have noticed from my ramblings 😉

    Bravo for speaking up though. I too, agree that the playing field has to be levelled. In all arenas 🙂


    1. online I always follow my heart, express my interest and say what I feel.

      Awesome! If everybody did that more often we’d all know where we stand.

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