Over the last couple of months since Little Red left the area, I’ve started to develop some feelings for her that go beyond enjoying the company of a new friend. The day she told me that she was moving it hit me: I want to keep seeing you and see how far things can go… to figure out if we have a future or whether this is just a temporary companionship.
Since then we have kept in touch, added each other on Facebook and randomly text each other every week. There has been no flirting – yet – though as we are both confessed slow movers I guess neither of us have been willing to test the water in that direction just yet to know whether the other would welcome it.
Last week I thought I saw her in the supermarket and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t her; she’d have no reason to be in that supermarket 60 miles from where she’s living but momentarily it made me think about how much I want to keep seeing her – and how much I would dearly love to see her soon. This isn’t a crush, just a desire to keep seeing her and see if there’s anything there.
This is a different situation from Miss X, I’m far more cautious now about my feelings and not letting them get out of control. Plus, my feelings for Miss X grew over many years while I was in a relationship with somebody else and thought I would never get to tell her. When that opportunity became a real prospect and my hand was forced, the urgency of it all hit me.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a crush. I’m certainly not that far down the line yet! I do not catch myself daydreaming about her like a hormonal teenage boy but yesterday I did catch myself wondering what spending Christmas with her would be like. I accept that I might be single this time next year as readily as I accept that I could be in a relationship with either Little Red or anybody else for that matter.
My eyes are wide open, I’m letting what will happen to happen in its own time but part of me is still scared to fall in love again. After all, my wife confessed to never having been in love with me and the mixed messages I got from Miss X who I feel effectively kept me “in reserve” for several months while she figured out her feelings for a guy she told me she could never be with, certainly took its toll this year. Though I’m not feeling as emotionally vulnerable as I did in the summer, I don’t want to end up there again so soon.
But I know that Little Red is far more level-headed and straightforward than Miss X. I also know that she knows what she wants from life and has a clear idea of who she is and what she wants, unlike the ex-wife. Her ex-husband messed her around and cheated on her. I can’t imagine that she wants to play games and she has told me that she does want to see me. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t send me random text messages, right?
And I need to find that balance between making my intentions clear, not being too full on because my feelings are still uncertain and not being too cautious and appearing uninterested out of fear of getting hurt again. I want to see her and that’s all there is to it. Why does life have to be so bloody complicated?! 😉
I’ve resurrected the “Mood Music” category from my previous blog so that I can post this song