A few months ago, I wrote a post on my need for physical closeness. This past week I have felt that more than ever seeing most of my friends and family having a special someone in their life, feeling and looking all loved up at one of my favourite times of the year. I said that I am a hopeless romantic and very affectionate. That hasn’t changed; if anything that need has grown and I’m craving affection.
I missed having nobody to snuggle up to on Christmas Eve. I missed having nobody to wake up to on Christmas morning. I missed having nobody to see the New Year in with. I thought I would be missing sex more than anything else, but I’m not (at least not as much as I miss any other form of physical affection).
I’m missing having a hand to hold, a waist to put my arm around, a delicate hand running her fingers through my hair, somebody to kiss and to hug tightly, somebody to embrace from behind or having a lazy evening lying on the sofa with her head resting on my chest. I miss her arms around my neck.
Understandably, I have felt down over the last week but I’m pretty sure it is the alcohol. Booze and anti-depressants do not mix well and on the days I did not have a drink, I felt fine. Not that I spent the last 10 days drinking heavily: I didn’t. Christmas Day was the only day I drank more than I would on an average weekend evening. The rest of the week I had no more than two beers, two glasses of wine or a couple of shots of spirit.
My lowest point was getting up on Boxing Day morning and wishing I’d had somebody to wake up to. We all need that physical closeness sometimes and there comes a point where we need it as much as we need food and water.
I spoke to the ex-wife about it and she said sweetly “you’re going to spend next year fighting them off”. Though I doubt that’s true, my general positive state of mind means that I now want somebody in my life for the right reasons.