Posted in Mental Health

Do Your Worst

I was at a house party on New Year’s Eve and feeling rather philosophical. Loud music, excited children and drunk people rarely mix with prolonged periods of self-reflection but I went anyway. The alternative was spending it alone and I was pretty sure I did not want to do that.

As Big Ben struck midnight a wave of what can only be described as euphoria passed over me. It took effort to stop floods of tears of relief that another tough year was over but there was also genuine hope. 12 months previously, the tears did fall down my face and I told myself “2012 has to be better than 2011”.

Instead, after the fireworks from London faded I went into the garden alone. It was a mild and clear night and I could see Orion.



I looked up and said something along these lines:

“I’m still here. I stood on the edge of a cliff and I walked away. You know that every time you’ve knocked me down I’ve got up again. I’m going to keep getting up. Do your worst 2013 – I’m ready for you.”

I hope Orion didn’t believe I was holding him personally responsible for the ill fortune of last few years of my life but he provided a convenient focal point that night.

I think I’m ready to come off the anti-depressants now, I have an appointment on Monday with my Doctor.

So come on 2013, do your worst… I’m waiting.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

7 thoughts on “Do Your Worst

  1. I used to watch a show here called Ally McBeal, and a great quote from it was: “if looking back on New Years {at the previous year} and you can neither laugh nor cry then you haven’t really lived that year.” Or something like that. I laughed, but then had a full on anxiety attack, this year looking forward is just as scary; so, I’m with you in your sentiment “Bring it on world!”

    1. Thanks Emily 🙂 I don’t know where it has come from. Perhaps it is the anti-depressants stabilising my mood. Perhaps it is the realisation that women do want to date me. Perhaps it is the success I am now starting to enjoy or perhaps it is the epiphany of admitting that I came within a hair’s breadth of suicide and walked away. EIther way I am enjoying it!

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