Posted in Dating / Relationships, Self Esteem

Out of my league – Challenging the negative thought process

Snowed in today so I’m writing the second part to my thoughts on “he’s/she’s out of my league!”

Yesterday I rambled on for quite a bit about my lack of relationship experience being convinced that most women I have been attracted to are way out of my league and wouldn’t be interested in me if I was the last man on Earth.

This has had a negative effect on my ability to form relationships with women and has in the past led to me not identifying or perhaps, dismissing, women flirting with me. I still struggle to identify the key signs now but I think I would be better placed to gauge the romantic interest of a date – even if I will still be overly cautious at times!

I don’t think any more that Little Red is out of my league; I’m just letting nature take its course. I’m discussing her purely because it is only with her that I had (past tense) the “out of my league” feeling. I am not in love with her, I do not have a crush on her yet I am most definitely attracted to her (even though I now feel my heart being tugged in another direction as things are going so well with Ubergeek). The nature of meeting Little Red is merely the perfect scenario for me to challenge my negative self-beliefs.

So what do we do about these feelings? How do we stop feeling this way? This is what (seems to have) worked for me. I have made these things non gender specific so men and women can take something from it:

  • Compartmentalise the problem. Is this what you feel or how they are making you feel? If the first, then identify it as your problem and read on. If the latter, then waste no more time on this obnoxious character and move on. However, there could be something said for why you are chasing somebody who is merely on a power trip
  • Realise that “leagues” do not exist, only chemistry. If you push their buttons in the right way, there is a chance to woo them
  • Don’t assume that all men and women want the same thing. So you’re short, overweight and not particularly good looking. Ask yourself how you know you are not what they are looking for? Unless they have told you, you don’t know. You might have the look that drives them wild… just because it seems you’ve never met somebody who fancies you it doesn’t mean that they won’t – or that nobody will. An example of this is my assumption that Little Red would want somebody tall, dark and handsome, rich and smooth talking. Yet when we have discussed our preferences she has given me every indication that this is the very opposite of what she likes. The type of celebrity she is attracted to have been a little less conventional. All are men who would stand out in a crowd – and not because they are particularly good looking (some are, some are not). What attracts her about a man is different from that of my ex wife and if I am honest (yet modest) it seems that physically I might just be her type anyway regardless of the personality traits that she likes about me
  • Identify your strengths. As above, you’re focussing on what is wrong with you and ignoring what they do or might find attractive in you. In my case, Little Red has listed personality traits she admires in a man. I know I possess some of them
  • Dismiss flirting at your peril. If they are flirting with you clearly they do not think they are out of your league. A defeatist attitude and failure to react to their flirting will reinforce the ideas you have of them not being interested in you when it seems to them that it is you who do not fancy them. If you are not sure if they are flirting with you, ask somebody who might have a better idea of how this person is acting toward you. A friend (preferably of the same gender to the other person because being of the same gender and outside of the situation, they will know what to look for)
  • Don’t take it personally. If they do not fancy you it may have nothing to do with your perceived flaws. When you begin to accept “it’s just one of those things”, you will find it easier to move on and you won’t be already convinced that the next guy/girl is out of your league.

I think that just about covers it!

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

2 thoughts on “Out of my league – Challenging the negative thought process

    1. Thanks! This is partly working through the self-help book and though this doesn’t deal with relationships issues specifically, in a roundabout sort of way I was apply to appy those lessons to this aspect of my low self esteem.

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