Posted in Dating / Relationships

Gazumped Again – First Test of the New Me

Guess what?

Ubergeek went away for a week for her PG graduation and met up with her ex. And they got back together…

Gazumped again.

Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit!

Here is a lesson in keeping your options open people: take nothing for granted – and I’m glad I did just that. If I hadn’t that would have meant I had learnt nothing from the saga of Miss X.

Though I’ve not messaged many women since our first date, I have been sending contacts out, though admittedly half-heartedly and being even more picky than normal.

And how am I feeling? A year ago I would have been distraught and mentally punishing myself for being too ugly, too fat, not confident enough, not successful enough… just as I did with Miss X. But now, though terribly disappointed and a little sad (and reading this post is just a little painful) at a lost opportunity, I’m generally fine. If I didn’t feel those things then I would be questioning whether I had any feelings for her at all. But as it is, this now feels… normal I suppose. Not distressing, not leading me into a cycle of self-criticism and self-punishment for perceived failures I’m just taking it for being the situation as it is.

Pleased she thought enough of me to be upfront and tell me she wants to stay in touch.

I know I have options and once I get back on the horse I could find a few more in time.

There is still Little Red, who has told me again that she wants to meet soon. I’m giving up on l’Canadien as she has been silent despite her enthusiasm for a second date; the ball is now in her court. I have a number of women in my favourites list on both OKC and POF. Time to start going through them I guess.

So back on the horse it is…



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

13 thoughts on “Gazumped Again – First Test of the New Me

    1. Thanks Emily x

      She is pretty amazing and I hope we can maintain a friendship at least. Who knows what the future might bring? Maybe it will happen down the line, maybe not… Of course I’m not counting on it but there was definite chemistry and obvious flirting there.

  1. One, I am sorry to hear about Ubergeek. Her loss. As for Little Red, if you like her, pursue her! Don’t just leave it up to only her. Put yourself out there, ask her out (if you truly want to go out with her again), and then let her decide. Honestly, if you’re not feeling like you really like her, then I would advise you to move on and keep looking. There is nothing worse than have heartily dating someone, or knowing you’re choice 2. Keep strong and take risks! It’s the only way to win at the game of love!

    1. This is a very complicated situation so let me summarise it without directing you to a dozen posts:

      Little Red was my first date “post separation”. We went out twice between September and October. This culminated in us agreeing to go out for dinner in our town


      A week later she cancelled, she had to move out of the house her and her ex husband shared because the agents had a quick sale. She said she would be back the following weekend to hand over the keys and we should spend the day together, get coffee, go for a walk and then go for a long and lazy lunch.

      She cancelled again. Too busy, too much to do. Stressed out due to divorce hitting a rough patch. She moved 60 miles away.

      I said that I was glad to hear from her and that I still dearly want to see her. She said the same – and let;s schedule something for the new year when she starts looking for somewhere to live.

      We traded texts for weeks. I asked if she was available. Apologetic she said “no, too busy, too stressed but I do want to see you”. I let it go. She needed space and I’d made my intentions clear.

      Weeks pass during which time I get random texts from her asking how I am and telling me about her week. Again I say “I know you’re busy and we really want to meet. I’m happy to travel to London to see you for an afternoon” She said “I will let you know”.

      Nothing happened

      Two weeks ago I get a message from her “too busy for anything, cant search for a new place to live until the summer. but I miss (NAME OF TOWN).”

      Me: “Come down any time. I’m still here!”

      Her: “Yes, I need to get out of the big smoke. we should have a catch up soon” and I got the “I’m too busy for a boyfriend” vibes.

      So, as far as I am concerned I have made my intentions clear. I’ve dropped hints I want to see her. She keeps saying she wants to see me. We want to meet – we just need to make it happen. I think I’ve struck the right balance between making it clear I want to see her without getting impatient or being pushy at a stressful time in her life. We drop each other text messages every so often to remind each other. “I’m still here. Thinking of you”

      I’m not really sure what else I can do… this is the brief summary and I’m open to suggestions on how we can make this happen. We are both confessed slow movers and I don’t want to be pushy and end up pissing her off.

      1. Ah well clearly you have been more than clear about your intentions with LR, and she has given you mixed messages. In light of this, I say, in the words of New Yorkers everywhere, “Fugeddaboutit” =) The best piece of advice I have heard in this regard, and I pass it onto you is, “Whatever you have to work hard to get, you have to work hard to keep”. When it comes easily and naturally, then you will know you have found the right person.

        1. I don’t know about mixed messages, at least not deliberately, she’s very much a straightforward person and I know she’s under a lot of stress due to various things.

          I’m thinking of giving it one last shot – that is, I want to go to London in a few weeks. I have this urge to get the buzz of the big smoke once in a while so I’ll send her a text and say “I’m going to be in London and I’ll be doing XXXX. Will be good to see you if you’re nearby”.

          If I get another “too busy” then I’ll leave the ball firmly in her court and I won’t be going to pick it up again.

        2. I’ve sent the last role of the dice: Told her I feel I need a trip into London soon and was she available any weekend day in Feb. That will be my final invite… her chance to make good on her stated intentions. Watch this space

    1. Oh I am! Banged out 5 or 6 fresh “applications” yesterday though I should probably ease off in case they all respond.

  2. Hey Chin Up–At the end of the month I have an entire week of posts devoted to the “friend-zone”. Sounds like you are accumulating experience similar to mine unfortunately….Anyway, if you have any thoughts on the friend-zone I would love to reblog over on mine. You seem to have a more balanced view than me, and my thoughts on the friendzone are harsh.

    1. Hmmm, i don’t think I was “friendzoned” here. She acknowledged that what we were doing was dating. She gave the option of breaking contact… she never said “let’s be friends”. She never said “I don’t think it was working anyway”. She had every opportunity to put me in the friendzone and to put me off from hoping for a future opportunity. As far as I am concerned we have both left the door open for a relationship down the line.

      Let me dig out a few links to “friendzone” posts for you.

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