Posted in Dating / Relationships, Mental Health

Rejection – then and now

So I’m back here again, four months after the last major rejection and I think it demonstrates a real change of thinking on my part in how I am dealing with it. Granted, these situations are quite different but it is my reaction(s) to both situations that shows the greatest change in the way I think and the way I am handling rejection.

I wont lie to you, it does hurt and over the last couple of days I’ve felt quite sad about it. Yes, I know it was only two dates but there was a real connection there. However, feeling a little sad is nothing compared to how I reacted previously. In some ways, and at face value, this one should be the most distressing because of the potential we were both realising, yet it isn’t. Let me take you back…

September 2012

Girl’s codename: Miss X
Status: Long-term internet friend on whom I had had a crush for 12 years. We met last year for the first time
Summary: After we became closer 12 months before following respective breakdowns of both of our relationships, I felt a resurgence of romantic feelings for this person who lives thousands of miles away. We met in spring for the first time and over the following months, I felt my feelings grow until another potential suitor contacted her from a dating site. When this happened, I confessed my feelings but she did not feel the same way. Over the following months she gave me mixed messages about why she could never be with this guy – continually hammering home that he was unsuitable and pointing out why I was more her type than he was. After they met she asked him to move in with her
Reaction: I became distraught, engaging in self-punishment for feeling things that I knew would never be reciprocated. Of course she wouldn’t want to be with me. All the stuff she said she liked about me was clearly unimportant as she chose tall, dark and handsome over short, fat and ugly. I dropped another lot of weight in the next month – I wasn’t starving myself. A few other things in my life went wrong so I lost my appetite. I felt suicidal at the combination of all of my problems from back then.

January 2013

Girl’s codename: Ubergeek
Status: We met on an internet dating site and went out twice but in all that time we were texting every day. We were comfortable with each other very early on and a third date was inevitable
Summary: Second date could not have gone any better. We flirted, laughed, chatted a lot and agreed to meet again. Last week she went away for some time with family and friends. While there she met up with an ex and they decided to make a second go of it. She informed me of this in a lengthy text message and told me that she really wants to stay in touch
Reaction: Disappointed at lost chances, that I’d never get the chance to ask her out to dinner for Valentine’s Day. I got straight back onto the dating site and messaged a few who’d been on my list to contact. Understanding that I am capable of getting dates with strangers. Despite my disappointment I did not dwell on the negative emtions. Acknowledging and accepting that I had feelings for her without beating myself up for being so stupid for feeling them

Clearly, there was far more chance of a relationship with ubergeek than there ever might have been with Miss X. Granted, I had known her for less than a month but in that time I felt a much stronger connection than to any of my other dates and there were clear signs of flirting in both directions. This was inevitably heading somewhere and the door is left open – I’ve had no “let’s just be friends”, but a “I want to keep in touch” which means there is potential for anything. In theory I should have felt more distress at having the rug pulled out from under my feet while I was about to sit down and make myself comfortable… but I did not.

A couple of times I stop and think “why does this keep happening to me? why am I always passed over for an apparent better option?” but those moments are fleeting at present; I’m sure when I get my next date those feelings will dissipate.

I can feel these changes in my mental state and it is a liberating feeling, even if at the moment I am feeling glum, fighting self-doubts and wondering what might have been. I know it will pass in next to no time.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

4 thoughts on “Rejection – then and now

  1. That’s progress!
    A lot of times, girls will say they want one thing but go after another. It’s because they aren’t honest with themselves, for whatever reason. Has nothing to do with you!

    1. Yes I realise that now but at the time I was in a really bad way for other reasons. Miss X never gave me a straight answer about how she felt about me until after she met the other guy. Mixed messages are not fun, they are harrowing experiences and – where intentional – a power trip. I don’t want to think that she did it deliberately but either way she handled it very badly.

      As for ubergeek, I suspect and hope that this tale is not yet over.

      1. I know you are still feeling out other prospects and that’s what you should be doing. Don’t wait around for ubergeek, it will only drive you crazy. In the least, get some more experiences under your belt.

        1. Oh I am. I could have a date as early as this weekend. I’ll blog about it if it happens. This girl’s situation is similar to mine. I’ve also put out the feelers for Little Red and suggested we meet this month. Her chance to make good on what she keeps promising.

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