I had my first session with my therapist on Thursday for the first time in seven months. She commented on how different I looked – not just in terms of my weight loss, but how I carried myself, my open and confident (there is that word again) body language and my responses to her probing. She told me I looked good, happy and said that she was pleased with my obvious progress.
We talked about many things. Obviously top of the agenda was the events surrounding Ubergeek because I had been feeling a lot of confusion and unsure what I could do (if anything) in light of family and friends persistently telling me “hang in there. she’ll be back soon enough”. The other issue I wanted to talk about was the self-doubts that arise while on a date (I get anxious seeing the girl using her phone and wondering if she’s telling somebody she is having an awful time, and I have expected them not to be there on my return from the toilet).
I recounted everything that had happened since I last saw her in July, including the saga of Miss X (and she looked rather appalled that she persistently put down Mister Unsuitable, focussing on his failings as a potential partner while pointing out my virtues), moving out, dating and my period of depression and near suicide.
I don’t know I was really looking for answers on Ubergeek, but merely what I should do. She insisted that I had handled it properly as she would have expected, that any attempt to kiss ubergeek, even if it had been welcomed, would have made no difference to her getting back with her ex. We talked through my self-doubts, discussed why I had them and why they are unreasonable and what I can do to fight back when they rear again on any more dates I have coming up.
No, what I was looking for was just to talk through my issues and try to make some sense of recent events. Mission very much accomplished because over the last few days I have felt happier and more relaxed about everything. I feel content that I have done the right thing with regard to ubergeek in not contacting her, in wishing her luck and letting her know that future contact from her will be welcome, and in deciding to leave it a few weeks before contacting her (I intend to wait 4-6 weeks since last contact, assuming I don’t hear from her first).
She understood why I was still currently clinging to hope that Ubergeek and I might get together some day; her personal feeling was that there was nothing wrong with it considering the connection that we made. “If you want something, set it free because if it is yours it will come back”. A cliche but in this case true because if ubergeek felt that connection too then there is “no doubt she is thinking about you”.
Therapy is not always about seeking advice and getting answers. I don’t even know if I wanted or got any answers this week but what I was looking for was a path through the smoke, some clear feelings from an outsider that I am doing the right thing and that there is nothing I could be doing aside from continuing to make contact with new women on dating sites. Who knows, I might feel that connection with another bubbly geek after all!