This is partly a “just for fun” and partly an amalgamation of my dating site complaints discussed in other posts but I’ve categorised the sort of people you can expect to find online dating. Though I’m specifically talking about women, I’m sure some of these will apply to men too.
Guilt Trip. Her last date was married with kids and wanted to get her pregnant. Her previous boyfriend ran away with her best friend. The one before that was an alcoholic and oh boy she is going to make you feel guilty about all of it. After all, you too have a penis and therefore are equally culpable for all the crap some men have put her through. She’s “so over men” which makes you want to ask why she is even here. She will never consider that she is a poor judge of character because it is well known fact that all men are scumbags. She might even get some perverse pleasure from being a victim.
Wallet vaccuum. She is an expensive date and will settle for no less than the most expensive restaurant in your area. She values you purely for the contents of your wallet. Warning signs include any number of profile pictures of her holding cocktails and her new jimmy choo shoes. She might also have a photograph of her driving a sports car… which daddy bought her of course
Miss Effortless. Her profile says only “ask me” or “will fill this in later” and it has been like that since she signed up four years ago. She can’t be bothered which probably means that you will be making all of the effort on a date or in a relationship with her.
Walking Cliche. She just wants a tall dark and handsome Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet don’t you know. But give her a chance because though she doesn’t look like Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss all she wants is Mister Right to complete her fairytale. Modern variations include “Anna searching for Mister Grey” or “real life Bella needing real life Edward”.
The Tease. She posts suggestive photographs that stop short of breaking the rules. Profile is provocative without being explicit. She hints that she has a high sex drive and her perfect first date might end up with the pair of you at a secluded spot for a bit of groping. But she hasn’t had a date since she signed up. Why? She doesn’t want dates; she’s here purely to see how much attention she can get. She probably deleted your message without reading it and has no intention of looking at your profile either. You’re just another ego boost for her – the 50th this week.
Checklist girl. She doesn’t want a man shorter than her. Or for that matter does she want somebody more than 6″ taller than her. She won’t date a fat man, or a skinny man. Bald men – no way! But then long hair is just as bad. She doesn’t like blondes… or ginger men… or stubble… or men who look young for their age… or old for their age… or… You get the picture that no man will ever live up to her standards. And she cannot understand why she has been single for so long.
Mummy’s girl. Her mother is the most important person in her life. Date her at your peril because you are also dating her mother. Whether the mother is controlling or the daughter is needy, you will always be at the bottom of the pile.
Sexy69_4u. She usually has a provocative name like that. You won’t remember what her face looks like because it is her cleavage that the camera seems to focus on. In fact, you can’t really tell what she looks like; most photos only have half of her head/face but 100% of her cleavage. There may even be a couple of photos of her wearing skimpy underwear or a negligee. She is surprised though that she only attracts ‘weirdos, creeps and pervs’ when she leaves so little to the imagination.
Faux independent. She says she is a “independant woman” (and she can’t spell the word) but don’t be mistaken in thinking that she’ll go dutch at the expensive restaurant you’re going to because her independAnce doesn’t go as far as paying for stuff; that’s a man’s place and she believes only in modern dating so long as she benefits, otherwise she’s a staunch traditionalist. She will expect you to make all the decisions too. She doesn’t have to decide anything because she’s independAnt.
Cynic, moi? Here’s some positive ones…
Quirk. She has lots of them. She might wear green rimmed glasses and dye her hair purple, or she might be a sci fi geek. You’ll probably pass her over as too weird and you might think going on a date with her will mean you’ll not get a word in edgeways but once you find common ground the sky’s the limit. She is effortlessly charming, sweet and unassuming. Who cares that she isn’t a “hottie”? Who cares that your friends will think she’s a bit peculiar. She’s bound to have you smiling and dates will be unconventional and fun and maybe she might be just what you need. She’s also likely to be low maintenance – emotionally and financially.
Unicorn. They don’t exist, do they? This girl ticks all of your boxes. She seems perfect for you because you’re into many of the same things and her profile talks to your own values, sense of humour or life goals. You might even have the same education background and she shares your love of art deco architecture – funny, you thought you were the only one. There are apparently no drawbacks and you can’t believe your luck. Keep an eagle eye out because if you blink you’ll miss her and you’ll wonder whether she was just a figment of your imagination.
Hitchens’ headache. The late Christopher Hitchens said that women are not funny. He also said that there are two exceptions: ugly women and middle aged Jewish women. These girls prove him wrong by being very funny, attractive and not Jewish. She’ll have you in tears on a date – and not because she’s broken your heart. You’ll be laughing so hard and no doubt you’ll attempt to give as good as you get.
Ladette. I know that word has negative connotations but I cannot think of a better word for the sort of girl who will love to play Call of Duty with you. She’s probably a beer conoisseur, likes traditionally male sports and will suggest that going for a run would be a good choice of date. Some of her best friends are male and she’s comfortable in her femininity enough to enjoy male company for its own sake.