The next four weeks are critical to my future. By the end of April I will be back in my home town, back living with family, giving up a job I have come to loathe, self-employed with all the challenges and trials that that entails, my divorce will be within a hair’s breadth of finalisation and ready to begin anew – again.
In the middle of all this, I have been drawn to the future – just a year or two ahead and wishing I was able to see that far ahead to see what my life will be like in April 2014 or 2015. I won’t pretend that all of these changes do not get me down. I won’t pretend that I’m not terrified of failing my self-employment venture but I know I have to try. Russ Harris says to embrace your fears but do not let them consume you and I am trying to do that; I am forging ahead into the unknown and determined to give it my best shot. I guess I’m craving some assurances, some semblance of stability. Usually I take comfort from the unknown, from the adventure that is life but right now I feel I need some sort of a hook, something to pin me to the ground, some stabilising force, some confirmed happiness to focus on so that I know everything will probably be okay. And I realise that I have none of that. I have nothing but uncertainty right now and it is at a time like this that I guess I really crave being in a relationship, to have an extra head to help make sense of my thoughts, a warm body to wrap my arms around… just the stability of a constant emotional support. Yet a relationship will be just another distraction from settling back into a new life – it is a dichotomy of something I need and something I could do without.
So of course I’m trying not to let my thoughts wander back to ubergeek and wondering whether I should contact her again and when. I know I shouldn’t; I know I should hang back for her as well as for me but that isn’t stopping me from wanting to contact her. I guess in a way, for that month we were dating, I had that stability – I thought I had found a hook, something happy to focus on. So in this way it is probably no great surprise that she is playing on my mind and for that reason I should probably not contact her. I don’t want to be the guy who chases the girl who has a boyfriend and we have both said we want to stay in touch – indeed we have already had that contact to confirm it. I know I should just put her out of my mind until… whenever but it is not easy at the moment with so much up in the air. And I guess it hasn’t helped that I’ve had just one date since I last saw her; that was with grungegirl who, despite being very lovely, was clearly too young and we didn’t have much of a connection (despite enjoying each other’s company) just one week ago.
This is going to be a tough month but I think I’m ready for emotional highs and lows.