Posted in Dating / Relationships

Handling “The One That Got Away”

Ubergeek has told me that she is looking at moving in with the ex boyfriend she got back together with a few months ago. Feeling slightly disappointed of course but not unexpected. They live apart and this move will make or break their relationship.

I wished her luck but commented no more on my feelings for her – I had said it all before and it didn’t need repeating. It went something along the lines of: I felt we had a connection, I’m disappointed you’re back together because I really like you but I wish you the best of luck. I guess I have now categorised her firmly as “the one that got away” and have experienced all the frustrations that go with it – and that is the only way I can deal with it right now.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t thought about her, about us. But you know I have been out with others in this time. She has been at the back of my mind, not the  front of it. Now I have to firmly put her out of my mind. I will not contact her in future but fully intend to respond to any communication from her. If at any point she thinks she has made a huge mistake and wants to give us a shot, my door is open (assuming  I am single if/when that time comes). I just will not chase a girl who has a boyfriend.

If I’m honest the feelings of “the one that got away” is a whole new ball game for me. I have become used to “the friendzone” but knowing that somebody felt something for you and saw you as a potential partner and perhaps might even see you as a future partner if it all goes wrong… It is a frustration especially when that person is keeping your presence a secret by saying they will not add you on facebook and only seems to text you at times when you have figured out is ‘safe’ (such as at work). I’m not playing that game of being kept in reserve again, thank you Miss X for teaching me a valuable lesson.

So what can I do about it? Absolutely nothing where she is concerned but where I am concerned:
* Do not beat myself up in assuming I did something wrong or that I could have done something else
* Keep my distance
* Be here for her if she wants to talk and be honest with her if she asks awkward questions about how I feel
* Try not to think about her or wonder “what if…?”
* Simply – date other women and hope to get the butterflies feeling again at some point in the future

So what can I take from this experience?
* I felt a connection with her like I had never felt before – and it was wonderful
* That connection is possible/likely with others
* I am far more attracted to quirky women than I previously thought
* I do not want to be anybody’s reserve. If you have unresolved issues with an ex, fine. Just go away and sort them out. Maybe we’ll talk later
* Nothing is easy when it comes to dating

I might possibly have a date this weekend (I have changed my relationship status to “divorced” because next week it is all finished) with a girl I have been talking to the last few days. At the moment neither of us are sure if we are available but we have agreed in principle to meet up. I will keep you posted on both.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

6 thoughts on “Handling “The One That Got Away”

  1. I don’t quite understand why you’re leaving a door open to someone who has rejected you, outright (or at least that’s how it appears in the post) and is currently keeping your ‘friendship’ a secret. If it were me, I’d phase out this ‘friendship’ – you won’t be able to properly date others, when you have her in the back of your mind as a ‘what if’…which, as much as you may try, will always creep up…
    Sorry if this seems harsh – I just don’t want to see you waste your time on someone who is clearly using you as an emotional crutch of sorts.

    1. Perhaps I’ve given that impression. No, she didnt reject me outright. We dated. We flirted. We texted every day. She was keen on a third date and suggested it herself. We were clearly into each other but unfortunately she had unresolved issues with her ex (and they decided to make a second go of it). She gave me the option of ceasing contact but insisted me she wants to stay in touch – as I did – and we have have limited contact since then.

      So naturally I want to leave the door open but on my terms. If she becomes single and I am single, then we can talk. I won’t wait for her because if it happens, that could be years away. I’m going to do my best not to think about her in the meantime because as the old saying goes “if you want something set it free because if it is yours it will come back”.

      I don’t think I’m being used as an emotional crutch, not in the way that perhaps Miss X did when I was at my lowest point and used my attention to make her feel good about herself. I think it is more of a case of ubergeek having mixed emotions about her ex and not wanting us to start anything when there is unfinished business with him. So, the door is open to a possibility of a future relationship, I’m just not counting on it.

  2. Sorry to hear that! But it seems you have a good head on your shoulders. Either it’ll work out and that will be that, or it won’t work with her ex and you hear from her. Either way, just keep it moving. You have a lot on your plate anyway!

    1. You’re damn right about that. Divorce finalised in a week, moving about the same time, setting up as self-employed soon after… no time for women! I vowed no dates during this time but the universe conspired against me in a rash of them contacting me (probably a lot to do with changing rship staus from separated to divorced though)

    1. You’re right, they clearly had unresolved issues. As you’ll see in my response on the other thread, it’s seems they are still together.

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