Posted in Dating / Relationships

Another lesson in keeping your options open

Despite having what I thought was a successful second date yesterday in which we had a look around a museum, went for a nice country walk and then for a lovely meal in which there was a lot of conversation and laughter, Mischief has decided to pass on a third date because she was “just not feeling it and didn’t think I seemed to be either.”

I put it down to us both being slow movers and her being slightly reserved so I took my time, let the flirting build up before I would make it clear that I was attracted to her and hopefully by then she would be feeling something too. Ah well, move on to the next one then. That is Bookworm and we have a first date scheduled for lunchtime on Tuesday.

Since Ubergeek I have been very conscious that I need to keep my options open – to expect nothing and not to get carried away in assumptions no matter how well things seemed to be going. This philosophy has certainly been vindicated today. So I will have to endure all of the jibes about being a “male tart” until I am absolutely certain that I have met somebody where neither of us has any interest in seeing anybody else. We’ll know it when it happens.

So until then, I just have to keep sifting through and kissing frogs and having no expectations.

Bookworm will be the twelfth woman I meet online dating and not one of them yet has gone beyond the second date. I hope I don’t start to get disillusioned with this whole thing and simply give up. It is frustrating when you feel you have really got on well with somebody only for them to ignore your request for a second date. That instant chemistry doesn’t always happen; sometimes a relationship will grow from companionship and just “getting each other”. Is it a part of the instant gratification culture that we so readily ignore somebody who doesn’t float our boat from the moment we sit down for the first sip of coffee? Can a potential relationship so easily be doomed within the first thirty seconds of meeting somebody?

Edit: I’m also struck by how easily it would be for me to sink back into self-punishment at a time like this. In the past that is exactly what I would have done – i.e. I’ve not had the success I would have liked so there must be something wrong with me. Nobody has wanted to see me beyond a second date because there is always a better options for them. I am aware of how easily such thoughts might come so I’m actively trying not to think of it in those terms.

So what can I do? Think about the positives.

I have met eleven women. Two of those are clear friends with whom I have regular contact (Little Red and Miss Outdoors). One I had clear chemistry with and only bad luck stopped things going further (Ubergeek). And I know I have done the “there’s no chemistry there” myself – twice. Guilty as charged! but I never let it get to a second date. I knew straight away there was nothing and that there could be nothing.

I am getting dates. Male friends have expressed surprise that since September last year (8 months) I have met eleven women and meeting a twelfth tomorrow. From their perspective this is an impressive number. Some of those no doubt have been guilty of holding out for something better. Chatterbox and l’Canadien in particular we thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company yet did not meet again – both ignored my request for a second date.

This is a learning process as I figure out the sort of women who do and don’t attract me and discovering attributes I am attracted to that I didn’t know interested me before.

Disillusionment would be all too easy but I have to keep plugging away. Bookworm tomorrow – we’ll see how that goes.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

6 thoughts on “Another lesson in keeping your options open

  1. Don’t give up! I have been on heaps and heaps of online dates, most didn’t make it to the second but a few did and I have ended up with some new friends. I figure I may as well keep my profile up despite my lack of success, it has been mostly fun.

    1. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m not on the point of giving up – at least not yet. I understand that some people are on dating sites for years with far less success – for want of a better word – than I have had and I have no horror stories at all and I’m thankful for that even if it does make me feel left out sometimes, lol.

      I’m just feeling a little disillusioned right now that so many have expected instant chemistry and haven’t wanted to meet again despite clearly acknowledging that we got on very well. I know online dating is all about the numbers and I’m sure come tomorrow following my date with Bookworm things will change again.

  2. I had what I called the “two-date curse.” If I got passed the first date (which that in itself was a miracle) then it for sure didn’t go passed the second. There were so many times where I became incredibly discouraged and started blaming myself for something I may or may not have done wrong.

    It took me a long time to realize, I was NOT at fault. There just wasn’t a connection between the guy and I which was fine. That just meant it wasn’t meant to be.

    Just keep at it and something great will happen eventually! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Thanks! Glad I’m not the only one.

      Reading between the lines of that final conversation with her I’m starting to think she had issues she still needed to deal with. Frustrating though because even though we didn’t have that chemistry we were clearly relaxed in each other’s company.

  3. Bummer!
    Your dating track seems pretty good for online dating. The only blogger (and person) who I’ve seen get really good, consistent results and connections is daterofboys (she commented here a few times). I always meant to ask her which sites she signed up for.

    1. I realise I have no complaints whatsoever so if I ever start to moan I personally give you permission to bitch slap me. I’ve had no stalkers, no bunny boilers, no needy types and none who were 10 years older than their pictures.

      I had another very good date (as expected) with Bookworm and we’ve already agreed to meet again this weekend for lunch.

      DoB is in OKCupid for sure. Don’t know what others though.

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