Posted in Dating / Relationships

That “Butterflies” Feeling

I know I said that this wouldn’t turn into a dating blog but this particular subject is something I feel I must discuss in relation to this weekend’s events with Mischief. We talked briefly on the phone after she sent me the “I don’t think we’re that into each other” text message. I said this was fine but I would like to explain a few things.

During the course of that conversation in which I explained that I felt we appeared to be building a solid foundation and getting used to each other. It became quite clear that she wanted that instant chemistry – that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling that really, on reflection, is such a rare thing.

In truth, only one girl has ever given me that “butterflies” feeling and it wasn’t my ex-wife. Nor was it Miss X ahead of our first meeting a year ago. No prizes for guessing that it was Ubergeek. I have now met twelve women since I started online dating last year and though I have been attracted in one way or another to most of them, it was just that one girl who made me feel like a teenager again. It was so much so that a female friend of mine never referred to Ubergeek by her real name… she was simply “butterflies”. “Have you heard from butterflies?” “Did butterflies reply to your text message?” etc…

It makes me realise that though we all want that feeling, and how wonderful it feels, that it is so rare that we cannot count on it. I accused (in a joking manner) Mischief of being a reluctant hopeless romantic. She chuckled at this and confessed that it was probably wrong of her, that she didn’t want to feel that she should settle for less than what she wants and because she assumed I wasn’t feeling it that we should call it a day. In truth, I was attracted to her and was hoping for something to grow out of the comfort we felt in each other’s company, the fact that we were already making jokes at each other’s expense and really complemented each other. I explained this and though she agreed that this was good, she reiterated what she had already said. We parted on pleasant terms.

And now I am wondering to what extent people online dating have unrealistic expectations. That rare thing – the butterflies feeling – as rare as it is has become a requirement and pushed everybody’s expectations out of reality. Is there too much of a focus on that need for instant chemistry and when it isn’t felt to cast an otherwise good relationship prospect aside? Are we so ingrained in a culture of instant gratification that we are not giving people a chance? Or was it her way of simply saying she wasn’t attracted to me and turning it into an “us” problem thereby softening the blow? Or a bit of both? I know she has gone through a lot of life changes in the last year and we talked about how much things have changed for both of us in that time.

I would like your thoughts on all of the above.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

2 thoughts on “That “Butterflies” Feeling

  1. All very good and interesting questions. I agree that butterflies are not that common. I don’t even think it always translate into compatibility or a good relationship. But the bottom line is that, in her opinion, she wasn’t getting what she was looking for, so she is moving on.
    You will move on and find someone who wants to build something, or maybe gets those instant butterflies with you.
    PS- You can’t ‘logic’ a girl out of her feelings. We will usually follow them for better or worse.

    1. Oh I know. It wasn’t my intention to convince her to change her mind, just to explain how I saw things in believing that we were already comfortable around each other and seemed to be building a solid foundation. She told me she’d spoken to friends that morning who told her I seemed decent and she should give it time. A shame because she stated clearly how much she enjoyed spending time together.

      Ah well… Bookworm is really lovely and hopefully have better luck there.

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