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Brain Storm: How I got here

A seemingly random series of events have placed me where I am today. I am a little bit of a science geek as well as a deeply thoughtful introvert. This leads me to considering my situation from a highly imaginative perspective and seemingly unrelated events. I also tend to extrapolate toward possible futures based on the decisions I’ve made.

Chaos theory

Moving out last summer permitted me to start online dating. It was only to be a temporary arrangement and dating was purely to make friends and build confidence ahead of relocation.

I had no real connection until…

…In January I met ubergeek. Things seemed to be going so well at such an early stage I considered that I would be staying in the area a little while longer.

Looking forward what might have happened? Would we date for a few months and tentatively decide to look for a place? Would she invite me to move in with her parents while I got back on my feet?

Either way, I was staying… until…

She got back with her ex. Shock led to a mild dip in my mood.

But the dip in my mood made me re-evaluate my situation. I’m stuck here. I have no reason to stay.

Within a matter of days of Ubergeek’s revelation I’d taken the decision to walk away from the job and the area.

Yet I could not have done this without the confidence to do it. The confidence to do it had come from online dating. Oddly then, had I not started online dating I might still be there.

Meeting her, that happiness I felt at clicking with somebody and then having it taken away now seems, on reflection the perfect catalyst.

The butterfly effect.

And she gave me butterflies

Had we not had a connection I might still be there.

Had we got together I would certainly still be there.

Had I got together with somebody else (Little Red for example) I would still be there.

Or, had a series of unsuccessful dates in which I never met ubergeek, would I have made the decision I made then?

Only through this series of events could I have taken that step to go through the life changes I am experiencing now. Everything I have done has led me to the position I am in now.

One small change in that series of events could mean I’m still in the area I married into and in the job I desperately needed to leave.

And then I start to think that this is entropy: events leading toward order from seeming disorder. Now I know where I am and what I want to do having left a position of chaos.

The world is chaos. Sometimes it is important to remember not just where we are but how we got here.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

2 thoughts on “Brain Storm: How I got here

    1. Just some of the bizarre random thoughts that go through my head sometimes 🙂

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