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To “Him”: A Goodbye Letter

My ex wife. My best friend. The one person in the world who knows me and understands me better than anybody else. She cheated on me and yet now she is the one person in the world I trust more than any other. We now have an honesty and a bond that can only exist between the closest of friends. Today she told me that her “relationship” with him, the him who helped her to destroy our marriage, is over. Not that there was ever much of one in the first place. As muse takes me occasionally, I felt the need to compile this letter to him – it is a letter that will never be sent because I do not want to acknowledge his existence to him and give him the satisfaction that he affects my life one iota.

Just Fuck Off


So I hear that your “relationship” if it can be called that, is at an end. You might think that I will be leaping up and down for joy – and in some ways you will be right. This feeling is not borne out of spite or any particular malice – though I certainly do hold those feelings for you.

No, the reason that I am happy about this state of affairs is because I have seen how miserable you have made her in the last few months and she no longer has to suffer your manipulative behaviour or putting her down all the time. Despite everything, I wish to see my ex-wife happy. Clearly, you have been unable… no… *unwilling* to do that. Every time you have made her miserable, it is to me she has turned. It is I who picks up the pieces and puts her back together again. You might think I am a mug for doing this (and perhaps you are right) but unlike you I do not lack compassion. I do not like to see people I care about getting hurt.

I’m not sure you ever made her happy and I think she only stuck by you for so long out of some perverse sense of self-punishment, feeling that she deserved it for what you two did to me or perhaps a desperate urge to make it work to prove that our divorce was justified. This year, it has been quite clear that she had desired to have some sort of normal relationship with you despite the considerable distance between you. And what was your response to this desire for a greater emotional closeness?

Accusing her of being “clingy”, “an irritation” and “mentally unstable”. Nice! She told me what happened over Christmas and how you made her feel stupid and insignificant. She told me what you did with the presents she sent you. You made her miserable on what has always been to her the most important and enjoyable day of the year; all she required of you was one small, insignificant thing to make the day special. It would have been no great sacrifice and you ignored her request.

You are an arsehole.

You are also immature. I know there is as much of an age gap between you and her as there was between me and her but even for your age you seem to have a case of emotionally arrested development. You have proven time and time again that you are not sufficiently emotionally mature for a relationship.

Relationships are hard work. You might think it is about the prestige of having a girlfriend. You might think it is about the extra prestige of having a girlfriend in another country (or perversely, that you were able to attract and encourage a married woman) but there is more to it than that. It is not about sending each other sexy text messages or photographs. It is about companionship. It is about being together. It is about two people becoming part of a unit. If you are not prepared to do that… If you are not prepared to some degree to put the other person’s happiness above your own… If you are not prepared to compromise on anything, ever… then you should not be in a relationship. Buy yourself a sex doll instead; I think you might find a relationship more along the lines of what you are looking for and you don’t have to put up with their “clinginess”, or, heaven forbid, having expectations from you to be treated like a human being.

She left me for you but now I am laughing. Why? Because in the long run I got the much better end of the bargain. True, our marriage is over but in that I have gained a best friend and a new lease of life. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, I’ve fought some demons and I’ve been out on dates with some amazing women, made new friends I might otherwise not have met and seen a little bit more of the world I might otherwise not have experienced in the last couple of years. Now you are out of her life and I am still part of it. Soon you will be ancient history and I’m still here, the person she cares about most in the world, the person she trusts most in the world, the one person she can rely on even after everything that has happened. It is for me that she cried when she was having an awful time at her last job. It is me that she sends text messages saying “I can’t imagine us never seeing each other again”. You will not be remembered with positivity by anybody who knows her.

You did your best to destroy what we had but all you managed to do was change the nature of our relationship, reveal its true nature and make it stronger. So I guess in some ways I should be thanking you?

Good riddance and I hope the next girl you attempt to sink your claws into will be better placed to see right through you.




I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

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