Undoubtedly, the good days now outweigh the bad days and long may that continue. I now have the tools and the awareness to know what to do when the bad days hit. I know where I can turn, who I can talk to and exactly what to do to fight back.
Despite my relative success online dating, I still have self-doubts and anxieties, of course I do. I am 38 years old and divorced. My ex-wife, my one and only relationship so far, was never in love with me.
That still hurts. Of course it does.
Our relationship was largely sex-less – that hurts too. I haven’t had sex in two and a half years and it’s been longer than that since I had a passionate kiss – with a woman who most likely felt nothing when we were doing it. Think that doesn’t hurt too?
So when I take to brooding on it, as I am now, I start to think whether finding somebody is beyond me. I’ve not yet had a third date so consequently, I sometimes become exasperated whether I’m simply too odd and too different for anyone to even fancy me let alone give it long enough for the chance to become crazy about each other.
I know that finding a connection is hard and that even when you do other things get in the way (Little Red moved away, Ubergeek got back with her ex and Mischief turned flakey) and for most people I imagine it is easy to brush off. It is for me mostly but there’s still this lingering feeling at the back of my mind that takes to rearing it’s ugly head – even now when I am getting lots of attention and struggling to keep up with dates, that thought is still there lingering away and being all linger-y and reminding me not to forget… never forget… asking the question…
Maybe it’s me…?
Even now, despite the incredible dating journey I am on the thought still pops up.
Maybe its me…?
It’s not rational, I know it isn’t. And that’s the point of depression, low self-esteem and other mental health problems – they are not rational. The battle is never won, the best you can hope for is to see the siege coming, identify it when it arrives and act appropriately.