Posted in Mental Health, Self Esteem

Maybe It’ll Always Hurt – Dating and Mental Health

Undoubtedly, the good days now outweigh the bad days and long may that continue. I now have the tools and the awareness to know what to do when the bad days hit. I know where I can turn, who I can talk to and exactly what to do to fight back.

Despite my relative success online dating, I still have self-doubts and anxieties, of course I do. I am 38 years old and divorced. My ex-wife, my one and only relationship so far, was never in love with me.

That still hurts. Of course it does.

Our relationship was largely sex-less – that hurts too. I haven’t had sex in two and a half years and it’s been longer than that since I had a passionate kiss – with a woman who most likely felt nothing when we were doing it. Think that doesn’t hurt too?

So when I take to brooding on it, as I am now, I start to think whether finding somebody is beyond me. I’ve not yet had a third date so consequently, I sometimes become exasperated whether I’m simply too odd and too different for anyone to even fancy me let alone give it long enough for the chance to become crazy about each other.

I know that finding a connection is hard and that even when you do other things get in the way (Little Red moved away, Ubergeek got back with her ex and Mischief turned flakey) and for most people I imagine it is easy to brush off. It is for me mostly but there’s still this lingering feeling at the back of my mind that takes to rearing it’s ugly head – even now when I am getting lots of attention and struggling to keep up with dates, that thought is still there lingering away and being all linger-y and reminding me not to forget… never forget… asking the question…

Maybe it’s me…?

Even now, despite the incredible dating journey I am on the thought still pops up.

Maybe its me…?

It’s not rational, I know it isn’t. And that’s the point of depression, low self-esteem and other mental health problems – they are not rational. The battle is never won, the best you can hope for is to see the siege coming, identify it when it arrives and act appropriately.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

8 thoughts on “Maybe It’ll Always Hurt – Dating and Mental Health

  1. Don’t give up! With my anxiety and inability to face things, it took me getting pregnant before I could even let myself stay with someone long enough to see if it could work. (One month is all I could last before my daughter). My point is.. mental health problems, they get in the way. They make things much harder. But if you focus on working through them and focus on yourself you will find the right one. If I was able to find someone to love me will all my issues involved, then you can too. Don’t stress over it. Just enjoy the dating experience.

    1. I’m getting there. It’s just that every so often I get this reminder that I’m not quite out of the woods – if I will ever be fully out.

      I know I’ve had a much better experience of online dating than a lot of others – I can’t complain, but the demons are not ready to fully give up yet.

      Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

  2. I think, mental health issues or not, it’s something that everybody worries about from time to time. Hell, I even heard Kim Kardashian complaining a couple of years ago about how she’s past 30 and (at the time) didn’t have a boyfriend, and let’s face it, if somebody as beautiful and rich as Kim Kardashian worries then I’m pretty sure it’s natural!
    Plus, the fact that you’re meeting people online speaks volumes in itself as surely everybody that has signed up to online dating is doing so to meet somebody as they haven’t found the right person yet? Don’t let the worries get you 🙂

    1. I know you’re right about everything you’ve said but I have at the back of my mind that I haven’t “been around the block” as much as most blokes my age 🙂

      So stick Late Bloomer Syndrome to the pile!

  3. At least you are facing it and being aware of it. There are many who never do! But like the other comments said, everyone and anyone can have difficulties in connecting with that special someone, and everyone has moments of struggles with doubts and insecurities. Just try to enjoy the journey as much as possible!

    1. Oh I am enjoying the journey! And I have to keep looking back to remind myself how far I have come.

  4. You’re NORMAL. You’re not too different, too odd, and you’re not the only one who feels this way. I don’t believe your wife was never in love with you or never felt anything! I think infatuation fades and love is hard work. You’re a kind soul and you WILL find someone who loves and appreciates you.

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