Posted in Dating / Relationships

Feeling that Draw

I’m feeling really quite into Mirror Image at the moment – despite that we haven’t met (just over two weeks to go!) but I’m really starting to feel a deep connection with her on an intellectual level. Not only am I a hopeless romantic, I am also a hopeless sapiophile and this girl really talks to me on my level and we’re discovering every day just more ways in which we have this connection.

She is very much in danger of being the second girl ever to give me butterflies πŸ™‚

I need to remain grounded. I do still have some reservations and I feel now I need to air them, partly to get feedback from my regulars but also partly so I can see very real issues that might come up in the course of a potential relationship with her.

Why I Love Complicated Women

Yes I am drawn to them – I love that most complicated women are deeply thoughtful, highly intelligent and selective in their company. Introverts don’t make friends so easily, but we are loyal to a fault and expect the same level of loyalty from those around us. Complicated women are nearly always beautiful on the inside, and deep to boot. I like people with true depth.

A friend of mine rationalised it for herself as being able to open up to that person with her own past and knowing that they will not judge. This is true for me to a certain extent, but I realise that I have handled this situation wrongly in the past. Being drawn to complicated women is not a problem in itself, but how I might handle being around them sometimes could be a problem. Using my ex wife as a template, I am now aware of certain behaviours that I know I should stop.

Fix You

I need to stop thinking that I can “fix” the troubled souls. It is one thing to show care and attention to somebody you care about but it is another to attempt to fix their problems. I am a supportive person to my friends and family and though I don’t try to do it with strangers, if we get together I need to be encouraging in a way that makes suggestions but lets her get on with her own life.

I have broken this method of thinking – but I am worried that old habits die hard and because she is like my ex in a lot of ways it might be just too easy to go back there. I don’t want anybody’s self esteem to rest purely on how I treat them (and she keeps saying that I’m one of only a few men who has been nothing but nice to her). I do compliment Mirror Image but it is clear that she has a certain level of low self-worth and cannot comprehend how anybody might find her attractive. In truth, I think she is gorgeous.

Big Brother

When I first met my ex, as our relationship was long distance we saw each other only at weekends and as she was a teenager with a troubled past, she didn’t have much else going on in her life. We kissed on our first date but it would be years before we became intimate (despite a few “false starts”). Looking back now I see that I was more of a big brother figure for her. There was lots of affection but very little lust. I picked her up, took her out for the day, introduced her to a few things that I guess big brothers generally do.

So how do I stop the same cycle happening with Mirror Image?

  • Flirt with her – I am actively doing that but need to carry it on in person too. I’m far more confident now about flirting than I was before πŸ™‚
  • Compliment her – and hopefully it will eventually sink in that I fancy her
  • Be more physical – No I don’t mean groping her on a first date! A hug is a hug, but a kiss on the cheek (I hope) will calm any nerves she might have about us meeting and create a more “date” feel to us meeting.
  • Treat her like a girlfriend rather than a sister – Not sure how to do this aside from the above three but it was possible that I was partly responsible through my actions of fostering the “big brother” idea in my ex’s mind

All of the above are clear signs of the attraction I already feel for her. I don’t want to get caught up on details of how to act but I need to be conscious of certain behaviours on my part.

Sexless relationships

I strongly suspect that she has not had sex. This is not a problem in itself but I am worried that as my marriage was largely sexless (and the complications that go with that) about me being patient to the point that it is damaging my own happiness and desires.

Without getting into a debate on the problems of “slut shaming”, the phenomena isn’t just directed at women. I’d feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: if I stay with her and waiting patiently… continuing to wait and wait and wait, I am once again missing out on an important part of a relationship and compromising my own desires out of fear of not wanting to push her too soon. If I break up with her because of a lack of intimacy then I become the bad guy for “only being after one thing”.

Thoughts on any of this?



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

2 thoughts on “Feeling that Draw

  1. You just have to be honest with her about what you want out of a relationship and from her and then stand your ground. But you also have to accept that whatever issue she has with sex, she has to resolve it on her own. Hopefully, being involved with a wonderful guy will inspire her to get through it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex in an intimate relationship, especially if there’s respect and trust. It’s not fair to you to wait and wait. And you have to accept that if she can’t give that to you, it’s okay to move on. Because you deserve to be with someone who can meet your needs.
    And yeah, don’t play the big brother! You have to get her to see you as sexual. The trick is showing her that you are sexual but still safe. jmo

    1. All of this of course could be purely projecting. I am leaping to assumptions based on past experiences. In reality she could be lamenting her own lack of a sex life and just (as we say over here) “gagging for it”.

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