Posted in Dating / Relationships

A Question I Have Had to Ask Myself

Skype is a regular method of communication between Mirror Image and myself. We Skype about once a week, finding it easier than the phone and more diverse and immediate than emails. She doesn’t like phone communication (she actually has a phone phobia and prefers video chatting to voice-only communication).

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About a week ago, we got talking about patience – specifically mine. It must be playing on her mind that I simply ran out of patience in the end with Indiechick, having got nothing back from her from my advances (nothing too intense, just some mild flirting and making my interest clear). I have also hinted that I only have so much patience with people dithering. Partly aimed at Mirror Image and partly as a general point, I told her that if I feel I am getting nothing back from a date then I will move on.

Of course I have made my feelings clear – I really want to consider us an item – in many ways it feels we are, we’re just lacking the titles “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. Despite her actions, despite seemingly being into me, in being jealous of Indiechick, the kissing, the hand-holding, the snuggling and not forgetting that we got naked and very intimate on our second date, she still says that she isn’t entirely sure how she feels. The only thing missing is the spark – the butterflies. I do not make her pulse race and she is worried that it will only be a matter of time before she sees me purely as a friend. I find this statement odd, I don’t believe that this will happen and have said so, but I have also said that I can wait while she figures out what she feels… up to a point. The question I have to ask myself is:

Just how much patience do I have?

It’s something I have been mulling over this week. Next weekend, she is coming to stay with me. We will spend five days together and I would hope in that five days, her feelings will become clear. If at the end she is still saying she doesn’t know how she feels then I think my patience (and consequently my interest) will start to slip away. I don’t want to pressure her of course, but I don’t want to feel I am being strung along and kept off the market for the sake of it when around the corner might be somebody who will set my heart racing, and likewise, I will set hers racing. I made a genuine offer to Mirror Image not to see anybody else while she figured it out and that was over months ago now. I think this is long enough – or it will be in 12 days time when she is heading home.

Yes I like her. Yes I fancy her. Yes I want to be with her. I can’t wait again to feel her lips against mine, her hand in mine, to feel her head on my shoulder… but I have no desire to remain on that hook forever.

Has anybody else been in this situation? I know long distance relationships require patience and taking things slowly and there is little about it that is normal, but is there such thing as too patient? Too slow?

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

11 thoughts on “A Question I Have Had to Ask Myself

  1. “the spark” is a lot. I may be dead wrong, but there’s a big part of me that says if she’s already concerned that she may think of you as a friend, than it will eventually happen. Stay strong, be patient and keep your options open.

    1. I’d agree except for her jealousy and that we’ve already spent the night together. I guess we will see next week when we meet again!

    1. It will me eventually. Next week we’ll be together for five days – that means in all we would have spent something like 8 days in each other’s presence. Hopefully she’ll known by the end of it

  2. I think what complicates things is that this is a long distance courtship. It’s not like you can see each other every weekend. So I think it’s good that you are giving her time because of that. But I also agree that if she doesn’t “know” after this next visit, you should really think about what you’re doing here. Check in yourself and your gut. If you feel okay with giving her more time, then do so. If not, don’t.

    1. You’re absolutely right – after spending five whole days together (as we will be from this coming weekend) she really ought to know how she feels.

  3. And about her being jealous and concern about you leaving, that could also be about fear of losing your attention and interest, meaning if she loses you, then she’s back at ground zero with nothing. Women sometimes don’t like that or want to deal with it so they kind of sort of do a relationship with someone they kind of like. Obviously I don’t know her or how your interactions are exactly, but I wanted to put that out there. That said, sometimes sparks to come later or grow with women.
    Either way, enjoy the visit, and continue being honest about your needs.

    1. That thought had crossed my mind and I know that I don’t want to be strung along for the convenience. I know that women do that sometimes – that’s precisely what Miss X did. I won’t let that happen a second time. Anyway, will try not to think about what’ll happen next until we have met at the end of the week.

  4. Every situation is uniquely different and having a limited knowledge of your history with Mirror Image it’s hard to give a definitive time frame on how long you should wait. Ultimately, only you can decide how long you are comfortable waiting for Mirror Image to come around.

    But, in my opinion, you shouldn’t be waiting more than 3-4 months for a woman to decide whether she wants to be in a relationship with you. Most women can tell fairly quickly whether she wants to date a man seriously, but, for others, it can take longer.

    Great post!! Your open honesty is always refreshing!!

    1. Hi Dee, thanks for your comments. As you may have seen,. things have come a long way in the six months since this post. We are now officially a couple and about six weeks after this post, I met her parents. Though we wouldn’t be “official” at this point, it felt like it and it was some three weeks later that we started referring to ourselves as a couple.

      You’re right about that it should take only a couple of months (even in our situation of a LDR where we live 200+ miles apart) and I think had things not developed after this point (mid March), I would have started to run out of patience. As it was, these few days we had together in March were great in many ways and our romance really blossomed, so my fears were dispelled.

      On a side note, I know women like to take their time and grow comfortable with a man, but the danger is that there will come a point where he feels it is too slow and that you are just stringing him along for your own ego. Most men see relationships in simple terms. Either we are in a relationship, in which case let’s act as a couple and tell people we are a couple – or we are not in a relationship and therefore we can see other people. Basically, if I am not your boyfriend then don’t demand exclusivity or otherwise act as if I am your boyfriend.

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