Most men will go through some sort of sexual dysfunction at some point – you will experience premature ejaculation, sudden loss of erection (or not even be able to get one in the throes of passion) – often caused by nerves, pressure and other issues. It is pretty normal to happen sometimes and when those occasional relapses occur, it’s not something to worry about… most of the time.
But we can experience long-term problems that affect us mentally and in turn, will affect our most intimate relationships, even potentially leading to depression and in some cases. What are these problems?
- Loss of libido (No interest in or indifference towards sex)
- Inability to get or maintain an erection
- Premature ejaculation
- Inability to orgasm
The above problems can happen for physical or psychological reasons. If they are physical then you will definitely need to get yourself checked out. Physical reasons can include diabetes, too much alcohol intake, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, thyroid problems being amongst the most common.
Psychological causes include:
- Stress / fatigue
- Worry / anxiety
Sometimes, these things will get worse as you start to worry about performance problems or your partner (or you perceive that your partner) is getting frustrated and impatient.
Ordinarily, they will correct themselves as certain stresses and anxieties disappear on their own. Other times, if you can learn to relax (such as using mindfulness techniques) then you will overcome them yourself. Otherwise, you may need professional psychological help and I would strongly advise you to seek help and advice from a Doctor who may put you on to a counsellor if that’s what’s required.
Sometimes these issues are longer term. If caused by extended periods of depression or other mental health problems then they could take a long time to correct. They may eventually correct themselves… which is what happened to me.
Even now with all the precautions I take at protecting my anonymity, I am slightly embarrassed to write the following sections; embarrassment is the major stumbling block to us men seeking help for our problems and there is no greater cause of anxiety for men than sexual dysfunction.
My ex-wife and I always had problems in that department. I have mentioned before that we were together some five years before we had sex and we had a few occasional false starts, though we later discovered I didn’t get on with regular condoms – but we soon found some that were much better. When we did eventually get down to it, I felt she put me under enormous pressure going from holding me off for so many years to being demanding and pushy the next moment, all the while I was feeling embarrassed at struggling with the condoms we used.
I developed physical problems around the time our marriage started to break up. Sex between us briefly improved but died off immediately when she told me that she had been having a virtual affair. I didn’t struggle getting an erection… just maintaining one and if I am honest I didn’t have one for several years after we broke up (I’ll let your imaginations fill in the details there).
When Mirror Image and I surprisingly got busy on our second date and I couldn’t “perform” I started to worry, of course I did. We brushed it off as nerves and pressure of being with somebody new and a lack of experience, but inside I was starting to make a mental note that maybe I should consider seeing the Doctor for those little blue pills.
Our third date (the five days she came to spend with me) got off to a similar start and the worry set in again. Whereas on date two I struggled to get an erection, this time I did “rise to the occasion” and suffered premature ejaculation. I mentioned before that we had sex several times while she was here, and that is true. All of a sudden the problems I had had and was worried might put a dampener on our sex life just disappeared. I can’t explain how… perhaps I felt more relaxed, perhaps the fact that we had been so open in those interim weeks about our collective lack of experience helped to break down a few more barriers.
That’s the key to addressing the problem: talking to your partner
I feel differently when around her, I would even go so far as to say that I feel far more desire for Mirror Image than I ever did for my ex-wife – it feels weird to admit that but it is true. My libido, repressed during the early years of my previous relationship, has returned now and the sexual dysfunction I had before – however fleeting, however mild – has gone. I know from now on I am not going to be concerned about my performance in the bedroom and that in itself, is a relief.