I could just make this a short post and say “neither but there are advantages and disadvantages for both that bring their own plus points and problems” but that wouldn’t make interesting reading and it wouldn’t really explain anything other than make me look like somebody who sits on fence for the sake of not creating a stir. Hackles rise whenever I hear somebody complain that the opposite gender has it easier online dating – because it is strictly not true. Their reasons for saying so and arguments they’ll come up with after often valid but it never takes account of the drawbacks that the other half of the human species has to put up with. Here’s a quick run down of typical arguments
Women Say Men Have it Easier
Men don’t have to deal with the volume of messages
Indeed this is true. An OKCupid experiment in 2010 showed that the most attractive women receive infinitely more messages than the most attractive man. In a world where men do the most approaching and are still expected to do so, the old problems of many men chasing the most desirable women is increased while we can hide behind the semi-anonymity and the relative safety of our computers. There is also a degree of arrogance from women in assuming that where women are approaching men, then it must be automatically of higher quality – I have had my fair share of unsuitable women and it is as high as 50% of all first approaches – proportionally, that’s probably the same as the average woman online dating.
Men Get Drawn in to the “Sweet Shop” Mentality
The idea is that men have so many available singles means that they are always looking to trade up on the last one, searching for that perfection. A date might have gone well but there’s a few more he wants to meet first before he decides. Well ladies, I hate to break this to you but this issue is not gender specific. It’s too easy for either gender to get sucked into that mentality – always hanging on for something better… looking to trade up to see how high they can go, just in case something better comes along.
Men don’t get abused / stalked / approached by weirdos
Yes, we do. The fact that it doesn’t have so often or happens in smaller numbers doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen or that it is somehow less bad. Unwanted attention and a person who will not take “no” for an answer is no less intimidating, irritating or dangerous because of their gender.
Men Chase the Slimmest and Prettiest, What Chance Do I Have?
Every chance if you make the effort. Shallowness is not gender specific despite the myth that men only chase young, slim and most desirable women. If you go in with a defeatist attitude then you’ll get caught up in a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to accept that you have competition in the online dating world – a lot of it – and you are entitled to nothing so make the best of what you have instead of blaming men for shallowness.
Men Juggle Multiple Women
Yes we do – why? Because we have to. If we are fortunate enough to get several responses at once, then we are not stupid enough to limit our options early on. If you are going to keep your options open then so are we, because while you are talking to multiple men at once you don’t have the right to expect exclusivity and act indignant because he’s doing exactly what you are doing when there’s a strong chance you might choose one of your other options. It might be “romantic” to expect him to wait forever for you while you dither over your feelings, secure in the knowledge that there is no competition and can make him hang on while you decide – but he knows competition is stiff and he doesn’t like women who play games
Men Say Women Have it Easier
Women Can be Far Choosier
And they usually are more so than they might be in real life – and they have to be because of the volume of messages they get. Your ignored messages are rarely personal. Yes, it can knock your confidence and you might end up giving it up as a complete waste of time but you need to accept that this is a numbers game and just move on to the next one – waste no time on it. I know it gives rise to the feeling that women demand perfection and write somebody off as a potential suitor because of something minor that she might overlook in the real world but that is a perception, not necessarily true.
Women Don’t Make an Effort Because They Don’t Have To
This is true. Because of the volume of messages they get, a lot of women indeed do not bother to make that effort in their profile while lamenting the fact that their matches are unsuitable. Pictures are minimal and the profile consists of three sentences that read precisely like the last one you read – and it’ll read precisely like the other twenty you are going to look at today. But guess what? You don’t have to play that game – read the profiles of women you like. If it makes you laugh and you have stuff in common, message her. So what if she isn’t “hot” – those women get the lion’s share of the attention, just as in real life. By hedging your bets you might turn up a diamond in the field of cubic zircon.
Women Get Drawn in to the “Sweet Shop” Mentality
Guess what? Yes they do! But no more or less than men do. If a woman is talking to 5 or 6 men at the same time, in theory she could keep them dangling until she’s stopped playing games or they get bored and move on to somebody else. This is the worst case scenario and I am under no doubt that it happens. But again, you don’t have to play that game. Keep your options open because you never who you’ll meet – refer to my comment above on cubit zircon and diamonds.
Women are in it For The Ego Boost
“Time waster” is an accusation directed by both genders at the other but there is a strong feel that a lot of women are on there purely looking to clock up many messages to make her feel good about herself. She might respond to your message but trail off when she thinks she has your attention and will be too busy to meet you. After the third time of asking she will block you without explanation – all because (and only because) you asked to meet her. 1) Don’t take it personally 2) learn to identify the time wasters and 3) ignore them.
There are More Women than Men
It’s oft repeated – most often by the dating sites themselves. If true then an dating marketplace that is already stacked against men is going to be fiercer. It is a well-known fact that women who have struggled in the dating game in real life will have much more attention online than she might expect in the real world. That’s how the playing field levels for women. But guess what? It has levelled for you too – you have a lot of competition but that gives you the opportunity to make yourself shine. In a bar you might be awkward and she’ll give you a quick once over before dismissing you. Here you can dazzle her with your personality, your humour (if you possess it) and a level of interaction in terms of wordage you might not have got elsewhere.
Online dating can work and does work – my personal journey documented on here has discussed the highs and lows, the oddballs and the flakes but also the amazing people I have met, made friends with and dated. So internetz, let’s please stop with the cries of “you lot got it easy”? Please?