Posted in Mood Music

Did I See You The Other Day?

Because for a moment it sure as hell looked like you :-/

I joined the queue inside the petrol station – the Pay at Pumps were not working today for some reason and I stood there checking my watch, I hoped that I would miss the rush hour. I’m 50 miles from home meeting my ex-wife for lunch and a chat. It also happens to be your hometown, so there’s every possibility that I might bump into you there some day.

I give the briefest of glances to each person coming in until you walk in and I have to do a double-take. You notice the double-take, smile sheepishly and look down at your feet. My heart does a somersault. Oh my god… remain calm. I think that’s her! What do I say, what do I do? What if she talks to me? Am I going to be a jumbled mess? Ok breathe, turn around slowly look… it might not be her.

I do so and catch you looking at your phone. A wave of relief passes over me. It’s not you… she’s not you. Oh thank god. But why am I relieved? Didn’t I want to see you? Of course I did! But something like that would have caught me unawares. Yet still my mind is doubtful. She sort of looks like you but sort of doesn’t. As she steps up to the till next to me and finally speaks, I know she is not you. She’s taller, for starters, by about 3″ or so. She’s athletic and you’re slender. You sound nothing alike and when I think back, your smiles are nothing alike either. It was the eyes, they are similar from what I remember and the face shape, oh and your hair is the same colour.

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I was slightly taken aback by this experience, even though I want to see you again someday, I expect it would be a planned meeting, a catch up to look forward to and to plan for. But the shock that I might just bump into you like that unexpectedly took me unawares today. There’s a chance that it will happen though, but you need to know how I felt the day I thought I saw you, some 18 months after I last saw you.

My stomach did a somersault and my heart skipped a beat before charging away like a wild stallion. I shifted from foot to foot, feeling quite fidgety. Oh Ubergeek you still give me butterflies and it’s 8 months since we had any contact, 18 months since we last saw each other! I’m not waiting for you, I am happy with Mirror Image and I know if you contacted me tomorrow, I would tell you that I am happy.

It would be hard to say “I can’t see you” and it would be painful, but I know I would say just that. She has put a smile on my face, just as you did. Mirror Image is a wonderful person who I have no desire to hurt in the way that I was hurt. But I want you to know that I yearn for the day I see you again whether that is one year from now or twenty.

I wish I didn’t feel that way. I wish we had had the chance to bring some sort of closure, but it is an imperfect world. Until the day I may be single again, you must remain at the back of my mind and I’ll live in hope that we may get that chance or finally, you slip from my mind for good.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing right now, I wish you every happiness in the world, but I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

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