Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, so I thought I would look back on two years ago.
This summer, I visited the place again where I almost took my own life. It’s two years since that fateful day when I stopped only to take a photograph and contemplated ending it all. Still glad I didn’t but now I look back on that day only to see how different things are now from what they were then. On that day I felt I had nothing to live for.
- My marriage was over after my wife cheated on me – I felt nobody would ever want me again
- I was stuck living somewhere I did not want to be and felt unable to get out
- Haunted by memories of the place where I was then, the memories my ex wife and I had made there
- I was a broken mess – I had a nervous breakdown that week
- It was the beginning of the period where Miss X chose to cut me off and not give me closure on my feelings for her. This had a major impact on my already very fragile state
Yet now I am in a different place and it’s hard to look back at where I was then, to know nothing but despair, to see no way out of the bottomless pit of depression… where a day I spent in tears was a good thing because I at least felt something. I saw a bleak future and suicide felt the only way out.
It feels a world away from where I am now.
- I am in a new relationship
- I am back in the area where I grew up and I am self-employed
- I have since been back to the area twice and “reclaimed” it for my own memories
- Life is good. I have been through therapy and off and on antidepressants several times since then
- Miss X and I are no longer friends. I cut her off six months ago and have had no contact with her. If she has noticed me unfriending her from Facebook, then she didn’t care
My wonderful girlfriend who shared this experience with me (the revisit, not the near suicide), said something very beautiful on the day I revisited that place: “this is where you chose to live”.
Finish on another Mood Music, and two for this time 🙂 This is what it feels like to be at the end of your tether, to feel like you have nothing left. The sound is typically upbeat for Keane, though the words are darker than anything else they have produced, and it comes from their most emotive album. It was how I felt then and listening to it a few weeks ago when I finally discovered the joys of Spotify, it reminded me of that day.
The album that came after this one (Strangeland) is one of the albums I absorb myself into when I am feeling low. This second piece is from that album. It’s the first track and immediately hits you with relief of mental burden and a promise that things will get better. At least, that’s how it works for me.
Finally, A Canvas of the Minds has a wonderfully emotive piece about today.