What’s the key to successful online dating? I like to think my opinion carries weight considering I am one of its success stories.
Know what you want, but be prepared to be flexible and re-examine your criteria from time to time.
That’s not what you wanted to hear, was it? You wanted a magic formula to show you how to get your hunky 6′ neurosurgeon with his own yacht, or your 25 year old supermodel with skyscraper legs and an insatiable sexual appetite.
Well guess what? What you want and what you think you’re entitled to is no guarantee that they will want what you have to offer. Both the proverbial neurosurgeon and the model can have the pick of the bunch – that’s the way it is. You can condemn them for shallowness all you like, but it doesn’t change that the neurosurgeon and the supermodel with skyscraper legs are likely to be dating each other and unlikely to need to join POF at all. Even if they were, they are unlikely to respond to you if you are not yourself way above average.
Don’t confuse your inflexibility and entitled attitude with “having standards”
Of course, we should all have standards – some people do not have enough – but I think some take it to the extreme these days. Casting someone aside for being 1″ too short or 1lb overweight and deciding to do so because you “won’t settle” seems to me far less about having standards than it is about treating people as accessories. It’s also more than a little narcissistic.
Yes, narcissistic. It’s a sobering thought to realise that the sort of person you want may naturally treat you with the same casual disregard with which you might have treated those people who messaged you last week: that overweight girl perhaps with the gap tooth, or that man with the glasses who was one inch shorter than your minimum height requirement. I might want that 25 year old supermodel with skyscraper legs (I don’t) but that’s no guarantee that such a person would want me as a 5′ 9″ average-looking guy pushing 40. I will do myself a disservice to continually hold out for a fantasy I will never attain and only grow bitter at how cruel the world is for being so shallow while excusing my own shallowness.
A fantasy it is. The romance novels, the rom coms may have shown you as an average guy/girl you can win over the school/work “hottie” against the millionaire, successful, better-looking competition but that’s not real life. Men and women are not perfect in the real world. We compromise, we have trade-offs, we see that others have desirable qualities when tall dark and handsome (or chesty, skinny and blonde) are not amongst them. Maybe she isn’t the prettiest or slimmest girl but you’ll have the best sex ever. Maybe he is a little overweight and doesn’t have much money, but you’ll feel cared for and wanted while there is still a beating heart in his chest.
I encourage you to be flexible – nobody is saying you should date people who would be wrong for you, or those you would never be attracted to. However:
- If you’re not prepared to do for others what you demand others do for you, you’ve no right to complain
- If you continue to cling to a fantasy that may never happen, you’ve no right to blame others for your inflexibility
- You should remember that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results