Posted in Dating / Relationships

If It Happens Again, I Walk Away

Mirror Image and I rarely talk about our past relationships – it’s not that they are out of bounds of discussion, it’s just that we have both moved on from the past. Nevertheless, curiosity strikes her sometimes and she feels compelled to ask a question or two about my marriage or my divorce. As we have been thinking and talking a lot about me moving to be with her, naturally she is mindful of what a big sacrifice that will be for me.

It’ll be the first time I have lived with an intimate partner since I physically separated from my ex-wife in Autumn 2012 and it is also a very long move in terms of distance (over 200 miles).

She asked if I was worried whether “it” would happen again after I moved – “it” being me getting cheated on by an intimate partner. I told her truthfully that the thought had crossed my mind and if it happened again, I would deal with it as I saw fit. I also pointed out that I wouldn’t fight to save the relationship, or that I would have a very low threshold where I would choose to walk away.

I think she found this shocking to think that I would just walk away, yet time and experience have told me that it is the best thing for me to do for my own sanity. I explained my reasons for doing this:

  • Any future girlfriend/wife who cheats on me has surrendered the right to be the centre of my universe
  • In future, I will value my sanity and dignity more than I would value the broken relationship
  • I have no desire to go back to that dark place because of a failed relationship
  • I have no desire to experience the mixed messages that accompanied my marriage
  • I am no longer scared of being single

I explained all this (and probably said a few other things I’ve forgotten) and said that if she hasn’t cheated and has no intention of doing so, then she has nothing to worry about. Of course, she knows that, but I think the shock of saying that I wouldn’t even fight simply blindsided her. She asked whether it meant I valued any future partner less than my marriage – no, I don’t and wouldn’t – it’s not even about that. It’s about me, putting myself first and especially about the first item on the list above.

Thanks to Girl for Animal Liberation for introducing me to the wonderful blog about cheating, Chump Lady

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

5 thoughts on “If It Happens Again, I Walk Away

  1. Here! Here! Well said.

    As I stated to you before, due to the fact we were cheated on and lied to, means we have set the bar higher. The days of lowering ourselves to save a relationship where the cheating party clearly exhibited their lack of concern for us are over. Never again!

    Like you, if I am cheated on, I will no longer do, (what Chump Lady calls), the “Pick Me Dance”. If someone cheats on me, I walk and I refuse to look back.

    Also, like you, I no longer fear being alone.

    My blogger friend 3Kids2Cats1Divorce introduced me to Chump Lady and I have to tell you, out of all the bloggers I follow who write about being cheated on, Chump Lady allowed me to put things into perspective. I think it is because she gives it to us readers straight, no bullshit, not sugar coating and no technical terms — she shoots from the hip. I am so very glad you found her blog useful and insightful. I also introduced Chump Lady to Matt (a fellow “Chump”) at MustBeThisTallToRide and now he’s a follower.

    Despite how difficult it was for us to overcome, being cheated on made us stronger and wiser. So begs the question, what lessons have the cheaters learned? I’ll tell you: NOTHING!

    1. Never again!

      Absolutely, never again. I guess people who have never been through being cheated on in a marriage or other long-term relationship (such as my girlfriend when she acted surprised that I would walk away rather than fight) will probably never understand – that your own sanity and mental state is more important than somebody who paid you so little regard that they went with somebody else behind your back.

      Generally, you’re right – cheaters learn nothing while we allow them to make excuses and allow others to make excuses for them. This is why I could never give any future potential cheater a second chance.

  2. BTW, I am having issues with WP. Despite being logged in, I am unable to comment. I have to comment as if I do not have a blog. I opened a ticket to troubleshoot the issue and WP came up empty.

    Oh well.

    1. None of your comments have gone into my spam folder since you brought it to my attention. Hope you get it sorted soon.

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