Mirror Image and I rarely talk about our past relationships – it’s not that they are out of bounds of discussion, it’s just that we have both moved on from the past. Nevertheless, curiosity strikes her sometimes and she feels compelled to ask a question or two about my marriage or my divorce. As we have been thinking and talking a lot about me moving to be with her, naturally she is mindful of what a big sacrifice that will be for me.
It’ll be the first time I have lived with an intimate partner since I physically separated from my ex-wife in Autumn 2012 and it is also a very long move in terms of distance (over 200 miles).
She asked if I was worried whether “it” would happen again after I moved – “it” being me getting cheated on by an intimate partner. I told her truthfully that the thought had crossed my mind and if it happened again, I would deal with it as I saw fit. I also pointed out that I wouldn’t fight to save the relationship, or that I would have a very low threshold where I would choose to walk away.
I think she found this shocking to think that I would just walk away, yet time and experience have told me that it is the best thing for me to do for my own sanity. I explained my reasons for doing this:
- Any future girlfriend/wife who cheats on me has surrendered the right to be the centre of my universe
- In future, I will value my sanity and dignity more than I would value the broken relationship
- I have no desire to go back to that dark place because of a failed relationship
- I have no desire to experience the mixed messages that accompanied my marriage
- I am no longer scared of being single
I explained all this (and probably said a few other things I’ve forgotten) and said that if she hasn’t cheated and has no intention of doing so, then she has nothing to worry about. Of course, she knows that, but I think the shock of saying that I wouldn’t even fight simply blindsided her. She asked whether it meant I valued any future partner less than my marriage – no, I don’t and wouldn’t – it’s not even about that. It’s about me, putting myself first and especially about the first item on the list above.
Thanks to Girl for Animal Liberation for introducing me to the wonderful blog about cheating, Chump Lady