Posted in Gender

How to be a Real Woman(TM)

Hey guys, in the tradition of Cosmo and Vogue and all those other girly magazines and articles always trying to define the essence of a Real Man(TM), I’ve decided to help them on their way with a list of what defines a Real Woman(TM). I hope you like it!

  1. A Real Woman(TM) knows when to be passive and when not to be passive. She also knows when her Real Man(TM) wants her to be passive and acts accordingly. If she doesn’t know when she should be passive and when she should not be passive, she needs to figure it out all by herself or risk losing her right to be a Real Woman(TM)
  2. Just as a Real Man(TM) knows how to do an oil change on a car and rewire a plug from birth, a Real Woman(TM) knows how to darn socks; she is also an expert flower arranger. It doesn’t matter that nobody has ever shown her, she must know how to do it to prove she is a Real Woman(TM)
  3. A Real Woman(TM) knows when to play Damsel in Distress for her Real Man(TM), and when to be Strong Independent Woman(TM). Nobody can tell her, she must automatically know. If she doesn’t know what role is expected of her at any given time, she is probably a lesbian – or she might as well be because no man will ever want to have sex with her again
  4. While the Real Man(TM) is choosing the wine on a dinner date – even if he knows nothing about wine – a Real Woman(TM) is asking for the ingredients list of each meal and deciding what they should eat. After all, she is a woman and because of her biology should know more about cooking than any male chef
  5. She must be an emotional wreck at all times except for when she needs to be the Strong Independent Woman(TM). She should automatically know when the time is right for each one or risk losing her right to be a Real Woman(TM)
  6. A Real Woman(TM) cries all the time, often for no reason. It’s obligatory. She will lose face if she doesn’t cry at least once a day
  7. A Real Woman(TM) eats chocolate and drinks white wine because that’s what is expected of her, even if she doesn’t like white wine or chocolate. In fact, a Real Woman(TM) drinks and eats what society deems she should drink and eat regardless of whether or not she likes those things
  8. A Real Woman(TM) watches her Real Man(TM) play Call of Duty and doesn’t complain – ever. She should at no time play video games with him. No Real Woman(TM) plays video games
  9. A Real Woman(TM) lets her insecurities get the better of her and will always defer to her Real Man(TM). It might piss him off that you can’t do anything for yourself, but that’s his problem. You’re trying to be a Real Woman(TM) here!
  10. A Real Woman(TM) drops lots of contradictory hints and expects a Real Man(TM) to know what she means by those hints. If he doesn’t get her contradictory hints, he is not a Real Man(TM) because they are expert mind readers


I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

6 thoughts on “How to be a Real Woman(TM)

  1. It was good. I nearly spewed coffee all over my MacBook Air reading it. Awesome! I hope more women see this and realize how idiotic their so-called “Real Man Criteria” is. Each person we meet should be individualized, not categorized.

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