I found out over the weekend that a virtual friend of mine has been cheating on her fiancée. I have never met either of them and would arguably consider her more of a friend than him, but I am absolutely disgusted at what she has done. I sent him a message of support and if they do not stay together, I intend to cut her off. Having been through what he is now going through now, this is a guide for men who think their wives or girlfriends may be cheating on them.
If you are being betrayed by a female partner, the affair may be notable by some of these following signs. They are not a guarantee, but the more she displays (and you already have a solid foundation for being suspicious) then there is a strong chance of it.
She Changes Her Physical Appearance
Not evidence on its own, because sometimes women like a makeover, but if she is cheating on you this is pretty much a guarantee. Typically, she changes her hair – usually the colour or the style to something radically different than she had it before. It’s dyed, gone from long to short, straightened her curls – anything that significantly changes her appearance should set those bells on edge. She will actively try to lose weight, and fast. She will buy lots of new clothes. There will be a sense of urgency to the weight loss beyond what you have come to typically expect from her.
She Shies Away From Your Touch
The physical affection between you is non-existent and she shies away from your slightest touch. It is not merely that she is no longer open to you snuggling up to her when you fall asleep, she is actively hostile most of the time towards any attempt to show her love and affection and she reacts worst when in public. She will push you away and shout, tell you to stop being so needy, clingy, pathetic. If you are used to holding hands, kissing, hugging in public and she suddenly no longer wants to do that this could be a sign she is cheating on you.
Changes in the Sex Pattern
This can be a tricky one because all couples go through periods where they are off sex and it’s not always a sign that there is an affair. As an extension of not wanting you touching her, your wife or girlfriend will throw up excuse after excuse for why she is not in the mood for sex. She will often sleep in another room too, or choose to sleep on the sofa. She will often say this is your fault – you snore, you fidget, she can’t get comfortable in bed with you there.
Your sex life might actually improve for a while. My ex-wife and I had a lot more sex in the weeks leading up to my discovery of her betrayal. She will be very keen to try new things, even things you suggested before that she did not want to try. Here, she has most likely had some sort of sexual contact with the other man and is weighing your bedroom performance against his.
She’s Very Critical
Your little things that she used to let slip as a quirk of a relationship are now critical flaws. They are irritating, you are irritating, you’re selfish, pathetic, useless, not a very good partner, a crap father and not a Real Man(TM). This is how she justifies her actions to herself. You are such a poor specimen of humanity that she has been forced to betray you. It’s all your fault.
She also catastrophises. The slightest things are enormous barriers to your relationship carrying on. All of this is her attempt to blame you for her actions – once again, it’s all your fault.
She used to leave her phone lying around forget where it was. You used to have to take it out of the bathroom and hand it to her and you’ll get the response “oh, I wondered where that went.” These days though, she takes it everywhere. She’s texting at 2am, at 5am, at 11am, at 3pm and is paranoid about what you might be able to see from the other side of the room. She won’t let you tinker with her electronic equipment when she used to ask you to take a look at it everytime the screen froze.
She is Withdrawn from your Friends and Family
She will make excuses for why she can’t go to your mother’s for Sunday dinner. That friend’s party that’s been organised for months? Suddenly, she can’t make it but won’t tell you what she’s up to. She may not be seeing the other man, she may simply not want to spend time with your friends and family because she no longer feels a part of a social group she intends to discard.
She Stops Trusting You
She wants to know what you’re up to, who you’re seeing, where you’re going. This lack of trust has come out of nowhere, or so it seems. If it’s likely that she has no reason not to trust you, then this could be the guilt at play. She is attempting to justify her actions by suggesting you too are up to no good.
She asks you questions that seem to suggest you would be better off without her:
- “Why would you want to stay with me? You can have any woman you want! You’re good looking, funny, a lovely bloke. Any woman would be lucky to have you.”
- “You’ve only ever had sex with me. Don’t you wonder what it’s like to sleep with someone else? Never wonder whether you could have it so much better with someone else?”
- “Can you really imagine, lying on your deathbed, thinking you really could not have done better than me?”
- “I just think you deserve better.”
She’s too cowardly to do it herself, so she is trying to encourage you to leave her instead, and you will do just that when you realise that what she’s saying is true. In her mind, this would be the best possible outcome because she already has someone else and you won’t be too bothered when you realise you could do so much better.