Posted in Gender, Self Esteem

Five Signs She’s Not Really Your Friend

I have always said and continue to maintain that opposite sex friendships can be the most rewarding and valuable most of us (men or women) will go through in our lives. Opposite sex friends often share an honesty that does not always exist between same-sex friends.

Female friends are scared of offending each other and male friends do not want to put a loyal, strong, long-term bond at risk by speaking out of turn and losing a valued confidante.

Yet sometimes, a man’s friendship is taken for granted by a woman. Here are five signs that your female friend is nothing of the sort.

Only When She’s Single

When people couple up it’s understandable that priorities change – especially when it becomes a long term thing. There was a time when me and my two closest male friends were all single and we saw a lot of each other. Now we are all in relationships we still make sure we see each other. It may not be as often, but we do see each other regularly. Your fake friend drops you when she has a boyfriend – and it’s not just a slow trailing off either. It’s almost immediate that she never has time for you, never returns your texts and ignores you Facebook shares to her wall. That is until she has a fight with him or they split up. Then she’s all over you again.

She’s Not Really Interested in You

Everything you do, everything you say is all about what she wants and thinks. She talks about herself a lot and rarely listens to what you have to say. You have an argument with your girlfriend and she can’t spare the time to help you out but expects you to drop everything for her. She talks about herself incessantly. Make no mistake about it – you’re there at her convenience/sufferance.

Everything is About Her – Even Apologies

When she offers to do you a favour, it’s because she wants to feel important and valued, to feel better about herself. It’s not loyalty, it’s not because it’s decent or helpful, but because she likes to put on a show.

On the rare occasion that she apologises for her bad behaviour, it’s not because she’s sorry – it’s because she has a delicate ego and needs to have it placated. Once again, her apology is about making herself feel better about her actions, not about making up to you in how she has wronged you and proving her decency and loyalty.

Broken Promises

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one” – Scarface

Remember when you were going to be the first person she told that she was getting married? Remember when she promised to come over this weekend and you sat waiting patiently with the steaks you cooked? Remember when she promised to take you clothes shopping after you lost all that weight?

Yeah, I bet she never kept any of those promises, did she? Remember when she said she said she’d never let a romantic partner get in the way of your friendship? When did you stop believing her? The first time? The second time? The tenth time? She has very little respect for you or your friendship. If she did, she wouldn’t break so many promises or do it so often. Oh and she probably thinks you have an entitlement complex simply for expecting her to act as a friend should.

You’re An Accessory

This is a bit of a combination of all of the above. She treats you as a convenience, a bit like an appliance. When she needs company, a shoulder to cry on, somebody to give her a lift or pick her up when she’s stranded, when she is short of money, when she has something she wants to talk over. She picks you up and puts you down whenever she feels like it. She may even treat you as a surrogate boyfriend when she’s with her non-single female friends. You’re a male escort (without any of the benefits), a kettle, a loan company and a taxi service all in one. Don’t bother wasting your breath on asking her to fulfil any of these roles for you though, she will always be too busy.



I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

5 thoughts on “Five Signs She’s Not Really Your Friend

  1. Wow! You nailed it CUCH — nailed it to a *T*.

    This is how women treat other women. I’ve cut myself off from women who treated me just as you stated above. They come across as a friend until a man enters their life and then *POOF* you’re gone from their minds.

    I have always disliked women who put their new boyfriend above all others. It is so lame. Push the friends to the periphery while they make their new boyfriend front and center until the new BF does something to hurt them or dumps them.


    No thank you. I have had female friends like that and I finally came to my senses and cut them out of my life.

    I have had a gay male BF for over 20 years. We have grown quite distance in the last 3 or so years because for some reason, he’s putting on-line dating and pursuing men ahead of me. In a span of one year, less than six months, he blew off three (3) engagements we had claiming he either didn’t feel well or was pulled away on a writing gig. Only later I learned he lied (becuase he’s a bad liar). By the 3rd blow off I had had it and decided, if he truly values our friendship, he can make the next move…

    There is only so much you can do before you just have to save yourself. You can try and try and try but if the other person isn’t willing to make the effort and show that he/she values you then cut them loose. As my friend Una from Gallway used to say, “You can lead a horse to water…” We can’t make people value us, they have to want it for themselves.


    1. This is based on a personal experience too. Some of the closest friends I have had have been women. This one – I thought she was loyal, she persistently told me I was one of the closest friends she had ever had. Things got complicated as I developed feelings for her at a difficult time, but I felt she played with my feelings.

      Anyway, we got through that and were fine for a while until her then boyfriend (she is married now) moved in with her, contact became rare, her tone dismissive, her attitude one where her actions did not tally up with her words.

      She broke three promises to me
      1) she would come and visit me in 2013 (she lives in the US)
      2) she would never let a man come between our friendship
      3) I would be the first to know when she got engaged and I’d be one of the first invited. Not only did she not invite me, she did not even tell me

      Three too many. I’m well shot of her.

  2. Wow! Those three promises are HUGE in my book and she broke all three. What a self-centered piece of….

    Many years ago, a long time friend once said to me and I’m paraphrasing because I cannot recall her *exact* words but they went something like: [Are you the friend to others that you want for yourself? If not, it’s time to reevaluate.] She said that to me during a time when it seemed as though what few friends I had, all were a major disappointment. Her words cut but it was then I realized that my attitude towards my friends was very aloof, take or leave it, I don’t really care if you’re in my life or not (when deep down I *did* care). Since that time, I make sure to make time for my friends, even if it is only to tell them how grateful I am to have them in my life.


    You seem like an awesome dude. If I lived in UK or you here in Boston, we would definitely be best buds. 🙂

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