It’s been about a month since Mirror Image and I saw each other. Her work pattern and the fact that we saw a lot of each other in April meant we knew we would be going nearly eight weeks without seeing each other. I miss her, I really do.
It’s been difficult for both of us. Though we have video Skype, it doesn’t compare to physical contact. I miss holding her, kissing her and her unique smell. Admittedly, we are also both feeling very sexually frustrated. Cam sex can only temper the hunger, not cure it.
We have a good sex life when we are together, certainly the best I have ever had (not that I have much to compare). No complaints in that department even though it doesn’t always go according to plan – pretty much like any other couple I suppose.
She put a spring in my step this week when she told me that she “really misses the fucking” at the moment. For any other bloke, that would be seen as a promise for near limitless sex to catch up when we see each other next, but for me, it feels that little bit more meaningful merely beyond the promise of a big stupid post-orgasm grin in a few weeks. To hear that somebody misses having sex with me, and actively craves it, you would think is something I would be used to hearing at the grand old age of 40, but it isn’t.
Long-term readers will know the main reason my marriage broke down was because of sexual incompatibility in practically every way imaginable. My ex-wife and I had been together over five years before we had sex (she was a teenager, I was in my early 20s) and when we did and I lost my virginity age 29, after that it was rare.
She always had excuses when I was in the mood. Every time I tried to seduce her, she didn’t want to and in the end I gave up even trying. When she was in the mood, she put an immense amount of pressure on me to perform and had little regard for whether I was up for it. With our divorce she threw all that in my face as my fault – I was never interested, I never tried to seduce her, I didn’t try hard enough. That’s not to say it was bad, because it wasn’t, it was just rare.
I spent several years thinking it was too late, that I could never be desirable, I would never feel the lust of any woman and that it was too late for me to ever have a good sex life and have somebody who would really want to just rip my clothes off and pin me down.
But now, four years later, I see how wrong I was. It was rational to think that way then based on a judgement of the personal sexual experiences I had had in my one and only relationship and my lack of experience before that. I had nothing else to go by; I was used to rejection in and out of relationships and had come to expect no less.
We place certain expectations on men, sexually. Too few people (especially women) really appreciate the pressure to perform, the pressure to always be pursuing sex and having it as often as possible. Our “right” to be considered a man is often tied up in our sexual performance and virility.
I never cared about that, but to have had my masculinity challenged and be made to feel inadequate is a feeling I knew all too well. Right now, I am simply enjoying having a good sex life and appreciating that somebody craves the “fucking” when we are apart.
And that is enough.