Posted in Self Esteem, Sex & Intimacy

“I Miss F***king You”

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It’s been about a month since Mirror Image and I saw each other. Her work pattern and the fact that we saw a lot of each other in April meant we knew we would be going nearly eight weeks without seeing each other. I miss her, I really do.

It’s been difficult for both of us. Though we have video Skype, it doesn’t compare to physical contact. I miss holding her, kissing her and her unique smell. Admittedly, we are also both feeling very sexually frustrated. Cam sex can only temper the hunger, not cure it.

We have a good sex life when we are together, certainly the best I have ever had (not that I have much to compare). No complaints in that department even though it doesn’t always go according to plan – pretty much like any other couple I suppose.

She put a spring in my step this week when she told me that she “really misses the fucking” at the moment. For any other bloke, that would be seen as a promise for near limitless sex to catch up when we see each other next, but for me, it feels that little bit more meaningful merely beyond the promise of a big stupid post-orgasm grin in a few weeks. To hear that somebody misses having sex with me, and actively craves it, you would think is something I would be used to hearing at the grand old age of 40, but it isn’t.

Long-term readers will know the main reason my marriage broke down was because of sexual incompatibility in practically every way imaginable. My ex-wife and I had been together over five years before we had sex (she was a teenager, I was in my early 20s) and when we did and I lost my virginity age 29, after that it was rare.

She always had excuses when I was in the mood. Every time I tried to seduce her, she didn’t want to and in the end I gave up even trying. When she was in the mood, she put an immense amount of pressure on me to perform and had little regard for whether I was up for it. With our divorce she threw all that in my face as my fault – I was never interested, I never tried to seduce her, I didn’t try hard enough. That’s not to say it was bad, because it wasn’t, it was just rare.

I spent several years thinking it was too late, that I could never be desirable, I would never feel the lust of any woman and that it was too late for me to ever have a good sex life and have somebody who would really want to just rip my clothes off and pin me down.

But now, four years later, I see how wrong I was. It was rational to think that way then based on a judgement of the personal sexual experiences I had had in my one and only relationship and my lack of experience before that. I had nothing else to go by; I was used to rejection in and out of relationships and had come to expect no less.

We place certain expectations on men, sexually. Too few people (especially women) really appreciate the pressure to perform, the pressure to always be pursuing sex and having it as often as possible. Our “right” to be considered a man is often tied up in our sexual performance and virility.

I never cared about that, but to have had my masculinity challenged and be made to feel inadequate is a feeling I knew all too well. Right now, I am simply enjoying having a good sex life and appreciating that somebody craves the “fucking” when we are apart.

And that is enough.

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Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

6 thoughts on ““I Miss F***king You”

  1. “I spent several years thinking it was too late, that I could never be desirable, I would never feel the lust of any woman and that it was too late for me to ever have a good sex life and have somebody who would really want to just rip my clothes off and pin me down.”

    That’s how I’m starting to feel these days… well, maybe apart from the “too late” bit…

  2. Your Ex, like mine, seemed to enjoy projecting a lot of her bullshit on to you. So glad you came out on the other side better off. I know you and she (her?) are friends. And truth be told, due to what transpired recently with me, my Ex and I are not starting to speak again. Thankfully all the anger and hatred I felt towards him is gone, minus a jab or two here or there. Like your Ex, my Ex made me feel undesirable. He made me believe no one would want me. I think it’s pretty shitty when people do that to someone they were once close/intimate with.

    1. She did, but I don’t think it was intentional to make me feel undesirable. I don’t think she realised the effect her persistent rejection was having on me, until it came back to bite her on the arse in realising how she had largely been in control of our sex life and was 80% responsible for why it was so bad.

      This causes a lot of angst for men; sadly, many people do not care – if we try to talk about it we’re accused of “sexual entitlement” by some women and as “whiny betas” by some men.

      1. “Whiny betas” I’ve never heard that expression before…

        I must admit, in the past, when a man I was seeing tried to discuss our sex life I would accuse him of being manipulative. Now I see how wrong that was. Your post has given me some insight. Thank you for this. 🙂

        1. “Whiny betas” is used by the PUA movement to dismiss anything MRAs say. I leave them to their own little civil war and do my own thing though, as you know.

          You’re welcome, as ever.

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