I usually do not know where it comes from, but every so often I am reminded of where I have come from in the form of a sudden drop in my mood. It’s not all that common, but when it does it makes me take stock of the situation. It happened again this weekend. On Sunday morning, I woke up wishing that Mirror Image was with me. I wanted to grab hold of her and lie there with her in my arms.
I spent most of the day feeling quite low with no clear explanation for what might have caused it – I spent the day distracting myself with work, reading, video games and sunshine but there was something gnawing away at me that I couldn’t quite shake. It’s been about a year since I last had one (and nearly three years since I last experienced The Crash), but that was mostly work related. It had been quiet for a few weeks then but that can’t be it now, I am in a much stronger financial position now than I was then.
When I spoke to Mirror Image later that day, I told her (not completely untruthfully) that I usually get this sinking mood in the morning when I have had a dream about something bad happening to somebody I care about. The difference is, if it was such a dream then I had no memory of it upon waking – this too is not uncommon. She accepted my explanation, but I did to go on to explain that this is the other side of me – the side that is always under threat of another bout of depression. I consider my mental illness to be very low level. I have been on anti-depressants twice (though possibly there were occasions before that when I should have been on them).
The frustrating thing is that it wasn’t a low mood about anything in particular, there were no negative thoughts to challenge, no despair to try to counteract – nothing. It was a general blue mood that had me moping around and struggling for motivation. I know the chemical imbalances that lead to depression do not necessarily have to have a trigger, and I certainly have had periods all my life where I have felt like shit for no reason at all. There’s no stress, no anxiety, no relationship breakdown, no job to hate, no area to hate, not feeling trapped or shackled down by invisible limitations.
The only thing that’s frustrating me is that neither Mirror Image or myself are in a position to move in together – but that will come soon. There has been development on both sides there which I hope to (partly) reveal to you all soon when a couple of things are confirmed.
But I know what I have to do, dust off the mindfulness exercises and try to calm my mind. This is precisely why I have invested in CDs and bought the self-help books.
Mirror Image has been accepting and understanding so far. A year ago, we even went up to the place where I nearly took my life and we had a wonderful experience in which she told me “this is where you chose to live“.