I was married to a blameless cheat, though of course I never found out the extent of her victimhood in the affair until she
decided to was forced to cheat on me. It was all my fault, she wasn’t responsible. She was an innocent passer-by who was compelled to cheat on her husband out of desperation.
Shirley Valentine is the original “Blameless Cheat”.
There are several ways to know you are with a blameless cheat. They will usually pull these excuses or attitudes.
It’s All Your Fault
You forced her to cheat. You put a gun to her head and told her you’d kill her if she didn’t cheat on you. You left her with no option – at least according to the Blameless Cheat. Somehow, some way, you took away all her agency. Either by action or inaction, you were the reason she cheated. It can be for any reason too. You don’t need to have been abusive. Sometimes all it takes is that you sometimes forget to do something. It could even be that you were seriously ill or had a bout of depression. A variation on this argument is “you’ve changed”.
You Had An Argument
She can’t handle you calling her up on her bullshit, telling her she was wrong, getting angry with her, airing your frustrations. It doesn’t even matter who was in the wrong about the argument, but the poor delicate snowflake couldn’t handle you treating her like an adult and expecting her to act like an adult at the same time. By not acting like men do in romance novels and films, you forced her into the arms of another man. It’s your fault for not acting the way she expected you to act. Variations on this include “things have been difficult for us recently.”
“I Have Needs”
Probably the most common argument you will hear from the Blameless Cheat is that she has needs and nothing will get in the way of her entitlement to them. She has needs that you are not fulfilling so naturally she was going to look elsewhere, you pathetic loser. Anyone who thinks female entitlement does not exist should reconsider any time they hear this excuse. It basically says “you don’t matter. The only thing that does is what I want, what I was promised. If you can’t give it to me, tough shit.” Variations on this are: “our sex life is boring”, “you don’t pay me enough attention”.
It Was All Him
She will play the “Damsel in Distress” act and imply that you were both victims. You weren’t to blame for her affair, and neither was she. The cad of a man with whom she cheated on you, was a vicious manipulator who tricked his way into her knickers – over and over again. She didn’t know what she was doing and now she’s ashamed that she acted like a stupid teenage girl and fell for such a cad. Firstly, it’s very easy to blame someone who is not there to defend himself and secondly, she’ll count on the innate desire of men to be the rescuer to forgive her by blaming someone else.
Also known as “The Noble Cheat”, this type of cheat not only had good reason for doing so, but the good reason was to save your relationship. In her mind, she was “taking one for the team” and making a noble sacrifice. She slept with somebody else to make sure she wanted to be with you, or she did it to bring you closer together, or to kickstart communication between you. The act of having sex with another man reinforced her love for you and it will make you stronger – you just need to see the logic behind it. Beware of the altruist / noble cheat, because there may be other areas where she feels the ends justify the means.