A well-publicised story a couple of weeks ago led to “feminist” dating site Bumble remove and block one of its male users. Then they went to social media to herald him as everything that is wrong with men in modern dating sites and why they are the solution (I suspect that the following exchange may be entirely fictional to prove a point, but I will proceed as though the events actually took place).
It is certainly true that he gave the female user “both barrels” proverbially. I think we can all agree that he over-reacted massively. The man acted like a total arse. There was no need for him to speak to her the way he did. He was called a “misogynist” amongst other things. Nobody asked for his point of view. This is what started it all off.
You need to read the entire exchange at PoHuff for the context.
This guy clearly has a chip on his shoulder. Maybe he has been screwed around by gold diggers before. To utilise a feminist hashtag here. #NotAllWomen are gold diggers but #YesAllMen have been approached by one and sized up as a meal ticket. We can often smell them coming a mile off and most of us have the sense to turn away no matter how “hot” they are. This is precisely how they reveal themselves by asking often as the first question, the question that ever man hates: what do you do?
While we can’t know for certain that gold-digging was on her mind, we don’t know that it wasn’t. Bumble has reacted appallingly in their shaming of this man who probably does get approached by gold-diggers all the time because of his salary. In banning him from the site, they told the man that “all she did was ask you about your day”. No, she didn’t. She wanted to know what he did for a living. Their approach was unprofessional in failing to ask for his side of the story and taking no empathy with him. In dismissing his point of view without consultation, they are failing in their customer service at the very least.
She asked him what he did and it was the first fucking question she asked him. Now, as a 41 year old man with an advanced degree, I have certainly been in this situation. I never lost my cool. I rolled my eyes and moved on, sometimes blocking them if they made it too obvious they were after a free dinner. I had one particular nasty example of a woman who asked me “what pays the bills?” when I told her I had recently given up a job to work for myself. She saw “master’s degree” and saw free dinner, free drinks, foreign travel all paid for out of my wallet. And she had a professional job. I should have let it go before that point, but I ignored my instincts. She was blocked within minutes though.
“What Do You Do?” is Not An Innocent Question
Nope. Sorry. It isn’t. Especially not when it’s the first question you ask them. I can understand why some people might think it is, but bearing in mind that men are objectified for what we earn, our status and education it is no wonder he got angry.
Once again – he over-reacted but she lit the touch paper. She didn’t expect it, but it’s possible that she knew exactly what she was doing and back-peddled when called out.
I would even go so far as to say that asking a man what he does and how much he earns within seconds of the conversation starting is just as socially inappropriate as asking a woman about her bra size. She didn’t even do it sneakily by referencing his qualifications or hints about his job in his profile. She just came right out and said “What do you do?” A man is more than his job. He is more than his wallet. The problem isn’t that she asked, the problem is that it was the first question she asked him and that she was so blatant about it.
Bumble have been criticised before for the lack of black users, for creating fake accounts, and possibly even removing men of lower education and social standing from the website. We can’t take anything they post at face value.
And further criticism of the site’s working model is here