Posted in Dating / Relationships, Separation / Divorce

5 Reasons Why I’ll Never Get Married Again

Long-term readers will know that my marriage broke down because my ex-wife cheated. After just two years of marriage (and a decade of being together before that), she chose a person she had never met in person over somebody with whom she had spent 12 years. That process led to a lot of soul-searching for me which included the loss of the fear of being single. My attitude towards long-term commitment has also changed. I love my girlfriend and think the world of her, but I do not want to get married a second time.

I repeat: I do not want to get married a second time.

I don't want to get married after divorce

It’s nothing to do with her. She’s perfectly fine and we are great together. It’s not that I don’t want to marry her it is that I don’t want a wife or to call myself a husband. We have derogatory words for men who don’t want to get married, they typically come with shaming tactics such as “man child”, “commitmentphobe” and “player”. I am none of those things. While I have chosen to remain child-free, I am also choosing to remain marriage free.

 

I Don’t Want Children

That is the major reason for not wanting to get married. Despite that attitudes unwed parents have changed for the better and we no longer attach that stigma to unmarried parents, there is still the expectation that parents of a child get married eventually. I don’t want children. I have never had a single paternal bone in my body and at 41, that is unlikely ever to change now. No nuclear family, no 2.4 children, no toddler groups, no watching Teletubbies (or whatever kids watch these days). So… what’s the point in getting married?

It’s Easier to Walk Away

The only winner in a divorce case is the solicitor. Although if we break up we will have common law rights, it’s easier to come to a mutual arrangement and not need solicitors. My ex-wife and I had a quick divorce. We had no assets to break up and she did not contest the grounds for divorce (adultery). I vowed a long time ago that if a future partner cheated on me, I would not fight for the relationship. For the sake of my own sanity and dignity, I will simply walk away.

I’m Not a “Traditional” Type of Person

I have no desire to be a household breadwinner. Not that modern marriage makes that obligatory, but there is always the unspoken expectation that “the man of the house” rules the roost and takes charge. From my posting, you are probably aware that I am an anti-feminist, but that doesn’t mean I am anti-equality. If anything, I resent the pressure of being expected to lead, make decisions for the family and generally “be a man” as we still disgracefully call it. I want equality in a relationship.

There is No Benefit – For Anyone

There used to be tax benefits to getting married, but not now. The married person’s tax relief in the UK applies only to those around retirement age. Today, we can do all the thing associated with marriage. I can nominate my girlfriend to receive my pension and savings in the result of death and vice versa. If we’re living together long enough, that entitlement becomes automatic anyway.

Because Divorce Hurts

It’s not just the going over the intimate details. It’s not just the dividing up meagre possessions (although you would do this with any breakup), it’s that the pain of knowing she chose another man over you only intensifies with every slow, deliberate piece of bureaucracy from the courts. Leaving solicitor fees aside, there is something gutwrenching about having to apply to a court to tell you that you are no longer together and having to pay for the “privilege” of the legal and final separation that means you can start your healing process.

Advertisements

Author:

I go by the name of Frank Speaking. My blog "In the Mind of Men" (former name Chin Up, Chest High) started out as a chronicle of my mental health recovery. Now it is a forum where I discuss issues related to male mental health.

3 thoughts on “5 Reasons Why I’ll Never Get Married Again

  1. Well said CUCH, well said.

    I agree with all of your reasons above – especially the ability to walk away. Like you, I lost my marriage to an affair. Like you, I made a vow to myself that I will never fight for a relationship. If a person I am dating cheats, I am going to walk away, never to be heard from again. There will be no discussion, no argument, no agreements, no promises, nothing. The man cheats and I am DONE! I don’t want to hear excuses or reasons such as, “I loved you, I just wasn’t in love with you.” Or… “You don’t understand, it’s different with her.”

    This is why I follow Chump Lady’s blog so closely because she gives sage advice.

    1. Hell yes! I heard the “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” crap too. Why is it that cheaters feel entitled to betray somebody they are supposed to care about?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s